Vote for Strangeness in 2012!
October 5, 2012 by General Strangeness
As the election approaches, the citizenry of this great land are trying to decide for whom to vote in November. Both candidates seem like reasonable, intelligent men, but in my view there doesn't seem to be much ideological difference between Obama and Romney, except for trivial issues like foreign policy and healthcare. Many people I've spoken to lately are wishing for someone to vote for who's really different. That's why I decided last Tuesday, while enjoying my weekly bubble bath in the washtub outside of my shed, that I should make a run for the presidency! I fully realize that starting a campaign one month before the election, and having only eleven cents in campaign funds puts me at a disadvantage to the other candidates. Yet, I honestly believe I can win in November if the fine readers of Somebody's Webpage help me get the word out. So, here's why you should tell all your friends, neighbors, and co-workers they should write in General Wilbur A. Strangeness on their election ballots. In short, I have a vision for the future. In fact, most of my ideas came to me in a vision I had several years ago. It lasted for two days, and during that time I scribbled madly on scraps of paper so that the thoughts wouldn't be lost forever. Here's a small part of what was revealed to me:
No More Schools
Pink Floyd and Alice Cooper had it right. We don't need no education! School's out... forever! Home-schooling should also be outlawed, by the way. Why chain kids down to a miserable desk in some dreary school or at home, forcing them to work silly algebra problems and memorize endless falsehoods about the world. They should be free to run and play and discover their own passions and talents in life. Everybody knows that the Internet has made education unnecessary and obsolete. If a young person needs to know something, he or she can just log on to Wikipedia or Yahoo Answers. Why try to teach them outdated ideas from a failed society? Allow them to teach themselves, and they will reinvent our society. They will give us new, better forms of language, math, science, arts, and technology. We mustn't interfere with their development. Let us be free of the failed ways of the past.
Now, I'm a peaceful man and never had much use for firearms, but there's no denying that the American public loves guns more than just about anything. So, what better way to give my campaign a boost than to make them freely available to everybody? As president, I'll urge Congress to modify the 2nd amendment to make the right of gun ownership bullet-proof and crystal clear to even the most stubborn of anti-gun pacifists. We'll make it legal to carry any type of firearm in any situation. Then we'll radically transform the ATF into an agency that distributes free guns to the public instead of restricting their use, and increase the agency's funding by 50,000 percent (this money can be re-allocated from the defense budget -- see my comments about national defense below). As a US citizen you will also have a right to unlimited free ammunition. How many times have you said, "If I only had some ammo, I would blow my stupid neighbor's head off!" Vote for me and you'll be able to deal with the annoying people in your life in no uncertain terms.
Combating Alien Thought Control
It is common knowledge that the extraterrestrials have been their using their telekinetic thought beams to control the minds of earth's populace, possibly going back for millions of years. Here at Somebody's Webpage we have learned the benefits of using aluminum foil headgear, such as the popular AFDB, to deflect these oppressive mind beams and help to win true mental independence for mankind. Given that foil is our only current defense against this threat, I will propose legislation that will give massive subsidies and tax breaks to the aluminum foil industry in order to insure the unlimited production of foil for centuries. This will also bring the price of foil down to pennies per box, making it easy for every man, woman, and child in the US to wrap their heads in aluminum foil.
Tough but Smart Interstellar Diplomacy
I want to make it clear that, in spite of my tough stand against alien mind control, I am NOT racist against the extraterrestrials. There are thousands of species of technologically advanced aliens out there in space -- a few who I have met
Increased Funding for Dream Research
The next step in human evolution lies in unlocking the meanings of our dreams. By learning the secret language of the subconscious mind, we can eradicate all mental illness and psychological disturbances. For this purpose, I propose the establishment of dream testing facilities, where research projects might include looking for ways to record a person's dreams so that they could be played back like a movie. I also support the creation of an online dream database that would allow any person to submit their dreams for inclusion in a permanent archive. This would enable anyone to access and learn from other people's dreams. These dreams could be used as themes for books, movies, and experimental rock concept albums. They could even provide inspiration for businesses, inventors, and scientific researchers. There is no limit to the power of dreams!
A New Approach to National Defense
With the whole US population armed to the teeth, our citizens should be able to defend themselves against just about anything. This will allow the military to be drastically downsized. Personally, I think this whole business of terrorism is overblown, and is something that should be addressed through diplomacy and public relations efforts. As commander-in-chief, I would definitely take a "less is more" approach to national defense. Under my plan, the Pentagon, that symbol of our bloated military-industrial complex, will be leveled with explosives. The Department of Defense will be relocated to a small office building in Washington, and reduced to a staff of maybe 50 people. Most of our weapons, tanks, ships, and planes could be sold to other countries that need them. The small remaining force of soldiers will spend their days in peacetime activities such as urban agriculture, wildlife rescue, and delivering food to needy families. As you can see, my defense plan would save the country billions of dollars, and would bring the national debt down to zero in a matter of weeks.
A New Look for Washington D.C.
It's no wonder that our lawmakers can't come up with any original, innovative ideas when they're forced to inhabit such a dull, uninspiring city. I would bring in a team avant-garde artists and post-modernist architects to renovate all the prominent government buildings in Washington D.C. We could, for example, demolish the existing capitol building and rebuild it to resemble a giant bowl of fruit, or perhaps a vintage 50s-era toaster. Other buildings could be adorned with colorful neon lights to give them a more modern look. The statue of Abe Lincoln might be more thought-provoking if the walls of his memorial were covered with abstract expressionist artwork, accompanied by atonal orchestral compositions playing through speakers. I would also propose the construction of an elaborate amusement park on the grounds of the National Mall.
Internet Access for Zoo Animals
The advancement of animal rights would be one of my top priorities as president. Of course, in a perfect world all zoo animals would be released from the zoo and allowed to walk the streets freely. But since the general public would not tolerate the discontinuation of such a beloved institution, we have to take steps to make the lives of our animal friends more comfortable while they are incarcerated. Giving them internet access is just a first step in helping to restore their dignity, and will allow them to do things like listen to music and use Skype to communicate with their relatives back home. I fully realize that many of you believe animals aren't smart enough to benefit from these things, but there is scientific research which proves otherwise. We shouldn't judge the animals as inferior just because they don't speak our language. I would remind you that we also don't understand theirs.
Change the National Anthem from "The Star Spangled Banner" to "Betty Davis Eyes"
This one is pretty self-explanatory. I just like the song a lot. But seriously, why not change the national anthem on a regular basis to reflect the mood of the country? The song could be decided by a national referendum, sort of like on American Idol. As you know, Internet technology has made this type of election relatively easy to set up. Maybe that's a topic that can be addressed more in the future.
These are just a few of my ideas for America. They may be controversial, and a slight increase in taxes might be necessary to pay for some of my proposals, but if you think money is no object when it comes to our national well-being, tell all your friends and family members to vote for Strangeness in 2012!
Copyright 2012 by Somebody's Webpage