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Candy Wrapper Revelations September 6, 2008

Posted by Ted in : General, Inspirational, Snacks , trackback



As you know, here at TV Crawlspace we consider snacks to be a necessary ingredient in the TV watching experience. After sampling a pack of M&M’s the other night I thought I spotted a typo on the wrapper. What seemed to be the problem was the apostrophe between the second M and the s. Was it possible that the package designers fell prey to the old pitfall of using an inappropriate apostrophe before the ‘s’ in a plural noun? My inner punctuation zealot jumped for joy at this thought. “The inclusion of the apostrophe implies ownership,” I proudly proclaimed. “In order for it to be valid, the word M&M’s would have to be followed with a second noun.” That’s when I noticed the tiny words at the bottom of the logo, “Chocolate Candies”. There they were. Two little words that meant so much. All was right on my candy wrapper.

This question of who owns the candies prompted me to do a little internet research. It turns out that M&M’s were named after the first owners of the candy’s patent, Forrest Mars Sr. and R. Bruce Murrie, who purchased the rights in 1929. The full name of the product, hypothetically, would read “Mars and Murrie’s Chocolate Candies”. Mr. Mars went on to amass a personal fortune of four billion dollars from the sale his little colorful creations. Kind of adds new meaning to the phrase “living the sweet life”.

After solving that mystery, something else caught my attention. Standing over on the right side of the wrapper was the jaded looking spokescandy known to M&M-o-philes as Red. Like a carnival booth attendant, he pointed a solicitous finger and seemed to urge passersby to partake in the contents of the little brown package. I tried to imagine what he might be saying:

“What’s the matter kid, life got you down? I got just the thing you need. Nothing like a sugar fix to make you forget about your problems. For a while at least. Then you’ll be back for more. Old man Mars got filthy rich off of desperate little kids like you. So what’s got you down, exactly? Let me take a guess. Your playstation game doesn’t work anymore? Your Barbie doll lost an arm? That’s nothin’. I hate to break it to ya, but it’s all downhill from here. You got twelve years of school to look forward to, and each grade is tougher than the last one. Then you work a crap job until you’re old and gray. That’s the game of life, and if you don’t play you end up dead in the gutter with the rats and the junkies. Take it from Red, the biggest thrill in your life will be these little chocolate candies here. Eat all you want, we got a whole warehouse full. These things won’t melt in your hand like that other cheap sh**.”

Just then I imagined a large shoe coming down on our affable spokescandy, crushing him into the sidewalk. That’s the way it goes in the school of hard knocks.

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1. marybtNo Gravatar - September 12, 2008

What we have here i’s not a superfluou’s apo’strophe. Any good nerd worth hi’s (or her) weight can tell you than an apostrophe i’s required when pluralizing initial’s. I bought some M&M’s Chocolate Candie’s last week. There were purple M&M’s in my package. I fainted right on the spot and had to be brought around by my alert neighbor. Purple M&M’s are ju’st plain wrong and Un-American. Wouldn’t you like to see a la’ser tag fight between purple and red? Red would soooooooo win that.

2. Joe GoldsteinNo Gravatar - October 18, 2008

Hey, man: articles like this one are real gems. This one should be submitted to The Funny Times or to some other kind of magazine with a nationwide distribution. Those of us who read this article will probably never look at Red the same way ever again. Also, I think that you’ve hit upon a really mega-excellent idea by writing about stuff that relates to the television-watching experience and not just limiting yourself to reviewing what appears on the tube. Maybe you’ll find ways to further explore such possibilities in future articles.

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