Christmas with Jack Bauer, Part 2 December 29, 2008
Posted by tvcrawlspace in : 24, Holiday Posts, Satire , 3comments
It was Saturday evening, a few days before Christmas, and I was sitting down with Jack Bauer at his kitchen table for an exclusive interview. After the preliminary shots of whiskey were out of the way, Bauer began to talk candidly about his life. I was surprised to learn that he had been a surf bum during his youth, and had graduated from UCLA with a degree in English Literature before enlisting in the army. His military service had taken him on journeys around the world, missions that required him to become fluent in Spanish and Russian.
He explained that he was no longer employed by the Counter Terrorist Unit. He had been dismissed after his sensitivity training counselor had alleged that Bauer grabbed him by the throat and treatened to kill him. “It was all a big mix up”, Jack explained. “I didn’t mean to hurt the guy. But if they don’t want me around anymore, that’s fine. I don’t need all that bureaucratic red tape anyway.”
I decided it was time to broach a sensitive topic. “There has been great controversy about your show 24 in recent years. The show has had plenty of praise from critics, but there have also been plenty of detractors. They say 24 is too violent and that it glorifies torture as an acceptable means of gaining intelligence.”
He seemed mildly amused. “And where do you fall on that issue?”
“Well, as much as I like the show, I have to agree that you guys go overboard with the torture scenes.” I braced myself for the storm that might be brewing.
Bauer remained calm. “What I do in my line of work isn’t pretty, Mr. Crawlspace, but it’s necessary, if you want to continue to enjoy the quality of life we have in this country. You can’t always protect the rights of some fanatic when a million people could die from the nuclear attack he’s planning.”
“What I’m saying is,” I continued, “you may think he’s the guy you’re looking for, but without a trial or investigation, how do you know for sure? Maybe he’s just confessing to get you off his back.”
“Oh, I get it. You’re playing devil’s advocate,” Jack said, chuckling. “Of course. You had me there for a minute.”
The whiskey had apparently increased my boldness. “Actually, I’m being serious. I can understand using torture as a plot device in a TV show, but 24 practically promotes it as a lifestyle. I mean, if America is going to be doing these kinds of things in violation of the Geneva Convention, doesn’t it send a message to our enemies that anything goes? If the supposed good side is behaving more despicably than the bad side, how do we tell which side is which anymore? Why should I continue to support our country when we’re doing these things? I won’t. I’d rather join the enemy.”
Bauer put his half eaten Christmas cookie down slowly and stared at me from across the table. “Oh shit,” I thought. “Too far, too far.”
(to be continued)
Christmas with Jack Bauer, Part 1 December 23, 2008
Posted by tvcrawlspace in : 24, Holiday Posts, Satire , 2comments
The long awaited seventh season of 24 starts January 11, 2009. Millions will once again be enthralled by agent Jack Bauer’s superhuman efforts to protect his country from the latest batch of evildoers. I was recently able to obtain Jack’s email address through my covert intelligence channels, and I requested an interview. To my surprise he answered my email with a phone call, and invited me over to his place the following Saturday for some holiday hospitality and an inside look at what makes the tough guy tick.
It turned out he had taken up residence near my area. After a 30 minute drive on Saturday afternoon, I pulled up in front of his small brick house. I knocked on his front door several times, but there was no answer. Then I tried the doorbell. Bauer peeked through the curtains, then opened the door just a crack and gave me a cold stare. After I explained who I was he seemed satisfied. He opened the door and invited me in. I stepped into his dimly lit den, which was cluttered with junk and old newspapers and magazines. The sound of the Boston Pops playing jingle bells blared from an old Magnavox TV. Sitting on a short table against the wall was a small Christmas tree, decorated with red, white, and blue lights, and a few ornaments. Next to the couch I spotted a well worn copy of Dr. Phil’s Relationship Rescue, but didn’t ask Bauer about it. Everybody knows the guy’s got issues.
He gave me a quick tour around his place. He showed me his two favorite bulletproof vests, a couple of scary looking assault rifles, and his tropical fish tank. He picked up a bobble head doll that Tony Almeida had given him as a Christmas present several years earlier. Jack smiled wistfully and shook the doll. “Betty Boop was a hell of girl.” We sat down for the interview at his kitchen table. The piles of dirty dishes by the sink betrayed his bachelor status. He gestured towards them. “Sorry about the mess.” He took out a half empty bottle of Jim Beam and two shot glasses and set them on the table next to some store-deli Christmas cookies. I managed to choke down a shot after watching him drink three in rapid succession.
“So”, I ventured, “done with your Christmas shopping?”
“Yeah.”
(to be continued)
Inside the DTV Transition Nightmare, Part 3 December 17, 2008
Posted by tvcrawlspace in : DTV, General, Satire , 3comments
OK, I know I left you all hanging for several months in anticipation of the third exciting installment of my DTV blog series. Rest easy, my two faithful readers, for your patience has finally been rewarded.
After a prolonged period of painstaking and painful alliteration, I have reached the following conclusions about the digital television transition:
If you don’t have a state of the art television and you’re not a cable or satellite subscriber, you may find the DTV transition to be reminiscent of the following situations:
1. The first time you looked in the mirror after your parents forced you to get braces.
2. Getting an unplanned one day crash course in lion taming.
3. Staying awake for two days, then taking a physics exam without a calculator.
4. Running barefoot through hot gravel.
5. Getting the hiccups during a job interview.
3. Washing down your cold french fries with a warm, watery drink.
6. Trying out for the rodeo while intoxicated.
5. That time your prom date found a ride home with somebody else.
7. Having a tooth pulled with three fourths of the normal dose of anesthetic.
9. Getting bailed out of jail by your mother.
8. Having shoes thrown at you during a press conference.
In the previous episode, you may remember, I aquired a digital converter box from my local Radio Shack, and I somewhat naively believed that this would solve all my DTV transition issues. I was able to successfully set up the channels on my converter box, but I found that a couple of the channels would cut out or the picture would freeze. With digital channels, unlike analog, you get all or nothing. If the signal isn’t 100% strong, you get no picture. In a desperate attempt to fix this problem, I bought two new antennas, neither of which improved my reception very well. My only other option will be to put up an outdoor antenna, but I’m crossing my fingers and hoping that won’t be necessary.
Keep in mind that the reason I’m fooling around with antennas is to avoid having a monthly bill from a cable or satellite service. The subscription TV providers are the big winners in this huge scam by our Washington brain trust. February 17, 2009 is the day Dish Network, Direct TV, Charter, Bright House, and all the others hit the jackpot. These guys aren’t getting my money. I’ve never paid for television and never will, unless they figure out a way to outlaw free TV altogether, which will probably be the next step in the never ending downward spiral that is the American way of life. The other big DTV snafu that they don’t tell you about is the fact that you will no longer be able to tape one show on your VCR and watch a different show at the same time. You will either need to buy an extra television, or invest in an expensive Tivo system.
The bottom line is, you will have to pay out the butt for new TVs, cable and satellite services, antennas, and/or digital video recorders, unless you have already done so. It’s almost enough to make me give up TV and start dating again.
on 
on 
on 
on