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Serious Stuff

Dick Cheney Part I

by Somebody Else
December 28, 2009

Okay, we all know that Barack Obama was sworn into office as President of the United States in January of 2009. On that same day, George W. Bush -- the son -- formally relinquished his presidential powers, climbed on a helicopter with his wife and daughters, and flew out of our lives forever. Yes, on that historic day, eight very full years of rule under Bush were ended. This would all be true except for one rather tiny and absolutely inconsequential detail.

In reality, Bush was nothing more than a puppet for the real power in the White House -- the true leader of the United States, the free world, and the un-free world as well, in fact, the actual ruler of the entire visible universe, and quite possibly vast regions of the invisible universe also. My friends, I refer to none other than that supreme potentate, that hidden yet omnipresent and invincible overlord, the man whose vision is all-embracing, whose powers can never be diminished, even in death -- which, incidentally, can never claim him, ever -- one who from behind hermetically sealed doors in an undisclosed location, and surrounded by a vast computerized control center, continues -- yes, my dear friends, still even now continues -- to exercise absolute power and dominion over every single square millimeter of this planet. Presidents will come and go as the years pass by, but make no mistake, dear readers, be not deceived, for Mr. Dick Cheney has been and must remain for all eternity the dark master of all that we shall ever know. Even in the afterlife, we must of a necessity remain cowering and groveling subjects before the overshadowing splendor of his transcendently villainous authority.

Some of you understandably object. You say, "Alright, I'll admit that Cheney was the real power in the White House during the years of the Bush administration, but don't you think that it's a bit of a stretch to suggest that he still controls the government after Barack Obama has been formally sworn in to office? Isn't Dick Cheney no more these days than some pathetic, disgruntled, and crotchety old man who throws out every now and then a few rhetorical barbs at Obama? Hasn't he been ignominiously shrunk down to a marginalized and utterly inconsequential figure on the mere fringes of today's political scene?"

Ah, my dear readers. That is precisely what Dick Cheney would have you believe. That is what he and his vast conspiracy of wealthy, powerful, dark, brooding, and exquisitely and elegantly attired elite figures behind the scenes would like for you to think. As long as you continue to believe such bare-faced falsities, as long as you stubbornly persist in the delusion that the long, oppressive, and mind-scrambling Cheney nightmare has ended once and for all because of Barack Obama, yes, as long as you cling to such fanciful and thoroughly unfounded notions, then just as long will Dick Cheney continue to listen in on every private phone conversation that you have, then just as long will he be well-informed of every radio station that you listen to, of every single last e-mail that you have ever sent or received, of how often you go to the bathroom and at precisely what times, of what your favorite television shows are, and of every single last iota of your subconscious activity.

Come on, folks. Did you really think that it was going to be so easy? Did you honestly and actually imagine that after eight years of iron-fisted rule, that he would simply surrender his extraordinary powers and position without so much as a single word of protest or opposition? Ah, how pitifully, pathetically, and tragically naive every last one of you are!

But let us return to the beginning of the story, to a day many years ago when America was a much simpler place, when Ronald Reagan was just getting started as an actor and hence as a politician, and when Hitler was just beginning to manifest his full potentialities for being an unbelievably flaming jerk.

On the cold, high, and utterly desolate plains of Wyoming, in the dead of winter, with several inches of soft, powdery snow upon the ground, with the wind coming out of the north-north west at 12 miles per hour, with the barometric pressure at 30.45 mbar, and with the relative humidity at 30%, a meteor of only three or so feet in diameter plunged to earth, leaving behind a crater about the size of a small suburban swimming pool.

At this point of the story, you probably expect the adoptive parents of Dick Cheney to show up, to gently lift the helpless infant from the opened meteor, and to bring him up in utter obscurity -- an anonymity that would gradually disappear as their adopted son gradually rose up through the ranks of government to finally become the feared and ruthless ruler that he now is. However, it did not happen that way.

No, what transpired instead is that a miniaturized Dick Cheney emerged from the meteor dressed in the exact same black suit and tie that he wears today, with the exact same expansive glasses, white hair, and shiny bald spot. Wandering through the blowing snow, he eventually made his way to a small budget motel, where he patiently waited a few decades -- during which time he grew in size a little bit with the passing of each year until finally reaching his present dimensions in about 1968. Then, when the Nixon administration came to power, he accepted a key post in it. Once in the United States government, he never left it, and, may the truth be told, he never will; since, for all intents and purposes, he is the United States government now.

Cheney came to us from the planet Becht-el. He is the son of the great galactic emperor Hell-el Burn Ton, who placed his only son in a tiny vessel and launched him across the great expanse of the cosmos. While in transit to the planet earth, Cheney -- actually named Par-Son by his father -- watched instructional videos given to him by his progenitor. Most of his education focused upon how to manipulate and control the dim-witted and emotionally insecure son of a powerful political figure who would himself come to control the brainless and vacuous actor-president who would declare ketchup to be a vegetable. Hell-el Burn Ton promised his son that once he attained domination of the planet earth, they would join forces and rule the galaxy as a family business.

However, once Cheney established himself as earth emperor, he raised up in secret a galactic imperial attack force, and had his father arrested and imprisoned inside a mirror, which he sent hurling into the depths of space. Then, he returned to earth and shot some guy in the face for kicks, and told a distinguished senator to perform a physiologically impossible act upon himself -- all of that just to remind everyone that he was now supreme galactic overlord and that there wasn't a single damn thing they could do about it.

I realize that many of you have read my words with a mixture of incredulity and nausea. You might wonder to yourselves: "Maybe the real motive behind this article is that the writer can't stand the idea that Dick Cheney is no longer on the scene anymore. Maybe the writer became too accustomed to having an easy target for political jokes, and now that Cheney is no longer in power, he is trying to convince us that, in reality, Cheney is still nonetheless in power, so that he can continue to use Cheney as an endless source of leftist humor."

My response is to ask you to repeat these words after me:

Dick Cheney is now completely out of power. Dick Cheney was merely the Vice-President of the United States during the years of the George W. Bush -- the son -- administration. Dick Cheney did not manipulate George W. Bush, who was fully in control of his administration from beginning to end, and who legitimately won elections in both 2000 and 2004. Dick Cheney did not break any laws and performed the duties of his office honorably and competently. Dick Cheney had no role whatsoever in planning and executing the attacks of 9-11, and any insinuation of his possible involvement in those attacks is not only insulting and preposterous, but in fact criminally unpatriotic. Dick Cheney has never lied to the public, has never abused his powers as a public official, does not deserve to be arrested and convicted of serious crimes against humanity, and did not personally benefit in any way from his relationships with Halliburton, Bechtel, and Parsons while serving as Vice-President of the United States. I say these words because I love America and I am grateful to Dick Cheney and to George W. Bush for keeping us safe from terrorists, and for attacking Saddam Hussein because he was a proven ally of Osama bin Laden, and because he had weapons of mass destruction that he was preparing to use on the United States, which was fully justified in ignoring the mandate of the United Nations Security Council when it invaded Iraq. The military occupation of Iraq and of Afghanistan has absolutely nothing whatsoever to do with the United States' need to maintain control over the vast reserves of petroleum located in the Middle East. Our honorable servicemen and servicewomen are not shedding their blood so that Dick Cheney might enrich himself with Middle-Eastern oil, and to suggest such a thing dishonors the sacrifice that they make on our behalf every single day to keep us safe from our enemies. Yes, Dick Cheney is a great, great, great, great man.

As you read that last sentence, your voice and facial reactions were automatically recorded on your webcam and automatically sent to my control center -- at an undisclosed location -- for my personal review.

"Won't you tell me where my country lies?" said the unifaun to his true love's eyes...