My Eureka Moment

March 21, 2011

I've said it many times before, but just in case it hasn't yet penetrated your thick skull here it is again in all caps for added effect: I DO NOT CHANGE MY MIND ABOUT ANYTHING. Other people have opinions. I, on the other hand, simply express the clear, unvarnished truth in all matters large and small. It is not a special gift or ability. It's just that I have a crystal clear view of reality because I refuse to take refuge in comforting lies, deceptions and illusions. The truth is harsh and cruel and most people just can't accept that. But I was brought up to know better.

Daddy took the strap to us when we got out of line and sometimes even when we were being good just to let us know that he had his eye on us. It didn't do my sister Myrtle and my brother Ernie much good, they turned out lousy and worthless, but I myself profited greatly from the instruction.

As you well know if you've been paying attention -- but knowing you, I seriously doubt it -- I have long been on a personal crusade to reclaim America and rescue the conservative values that made this a great nation.

The pinnacle of this movement was Ronald Wilson Reagan, who for eight glorious years during the 1980s became the shining embodiment and emblem of all that is good and honorable and righteous and manly about the United States of America. We became proud and strong and great once again.

Useless government programs for helping lazy poor people were put on the chopping block, and the money saved went into buying more tanks, fighter jets and nuclear missiles. People bought more guns and shot more deer in the woods. Ollie North stood up for America and became a hero by defending his president against a bunch of trumped-up accusations based upon a few totally inconsequential details related to Iran and the Contra freedom fighters in El Salvador. Reagan saved the Caribbean island of Grenada from a brutal communist invasion and rescued millions of medical students. The greatest movie of all time, First Blood, better known simply as Rambo, premiered in movie theaters. Arnold Schwarzenegger was Conan the Barbarian and the Terminator, much more interesting and compelling roles for him than the one he got later on as California's governor. Hallelujah! It was a great time to be an American.

Bush Sr. had eight years to study the master in office. True, it was a tough act to follow, no doubt about it, but like it or not, he had before him the task of carrying the brightly-lit torch of conservative values that his predecessor had passed on to him. But what did he do?

My friends, he dropped it, pure and simple, and it went out. He left us all underwhelmed, and then he got spanked big time by the horniest president in the history of the United States, Bill Clinton, who pulled the wool over the eyes of the entire country and seduced practically everyone except for me. I saw right through that man. Feel your pain, indeed. More like feel up your rump, if you ask me.

Then we had Bush, Jr. who I must admit made a better effort of carrying ahead the Reagan legacy than his father had done, at least at first. But in his second term, he strayed far from the Gipper's playbook by letting his approval ratings slide into the sewer. Being unpopular with the people is nothing less than a betrayal of core conservative American values. So, shame on him for that.

Then along came John McCain, who quite honestly I've never trusted, but I was willing to give him the benefit of the doubt. Plus, he picked the best-looking politician in the history of the United States, Sarah Palin, as his running mate. But then he got slammed by a Muslim terrorist with a fake birth certificate and a crusty old commie and used Cadillac dealer of all people. Go figure. The country completely went to hell in a hand basket. So much for John McCain.

Now you've got this horde of phony Republican candidates lining up all promising to be the next Ronald Reagan. Heck, even Barack Hussein Osama has occasionally made a few claims here and there about carrying forward Reagan's banner. Folks, don't believe a single word of it.

There was only one Ronald Reagan and there can never be another. And there can only be one true believer in the values he stood for: I, Thurston Thornton.

You heard right. How do I know this? Through divine inspiration, that's how. You see, the other day, I had a eureka moment. Here's what happened.

I was sitting in front of the television watching a documentary on Ronald Reagan and feeling all depressed and sorry for myself, pining away for the good old days when we had the best president in the history of the universe occupying the White House. I found myself in such a deeply melancholy state that I simply turned off the television set, grabbed a bottle of Jack Daniels, and set about trying to drink myself to sleep. After only a few small sips I felt my head nodding, so I put the bottle down on the side table and surrendered myself to the profound exhaustion I was feeling.

Several hours later, I suddenly awoke to find that a brilliant, shining ethereal image had appeared before me. It was none other than the spirit of the Gipper himself. He was wearing a suit and tie and had an American flag pin placed over his heart.

"Thurston, listen up," he said. "I've got a few things to say to you."

For once in my life, I was completely speechless. He continued to speak to me.

"All these politicians talk about my legacy, but there isn't a single one worthy of preserving it, nor will one ever be found. And there isn't one solitary soul left in this nation who is completely loyal to the values which once made it great except for you."

"So," I hesitantly replied, "does this mean that I alone, unaided and unassisted, must save America?"

Reagan's face broke out into a classic grin that betrayed just a hint of sadness.

"Ah, Thurston, you're making all of this too hard. Want a jellybean?"

"Thanks," I replied, taking a root-beer flavored one with an orange one. They were pretty tasty.

"Look, Thurston. Love and celebrate America as it once was, when I was the captain at its helm. But that America is gone forever, just as I myself have left you forever. Let it go, Thurston."

"But if I must give up my personal crusade to rescue the nation," I asked him, "what will I do with my time?"

"Watch television all day long. Enjoy your favorite foods. Sit in a chair and stare at the wall. I used to do that one all the time. Come on, Thurston. Why do you think I was the greatest president ever?"

"Is it because you love America and strove night and day to make it greater?"

"Oh, no, Thurston, that's not it at all. I just focused on taking it easy and having a good time and I tried not to think too much. Of course I love America, but that's not why I was the greatest president. No, I was the best leader of the free world because I am an actor, and people love movies, and playing the role of president was the best darned tootin' role I ever had, even better than Bedtime for Bonzo, and that was a pretty good one, I got to act with a chimpanzee. They filmed my presidency for eight long years, and when the show finally came to an end most folks had been thoroughly entertained. It was a grand old time, Thurston."

I struggled to comprehend the deeper significance of those enlightening words.

"So, what you are saying," I ventured, "is that the credits have already rolled?"

"That's right, Thurston, the show's over. Who can recognize America anymore? This nation's beyond saving. Don't waste your time on a lost cause."

Suddenly, he disappeared, and the entire room was filled with a blinding white light.

"Oh, Thurston," came a voice. "All Christians have been led astray. There is only one true believer, only one man on earth who has truly been saved and rescued from the mortal consequences of original sin. You, Thurston, are that man."

"If that is the case," I responded, "then I must go out and preach to all the lost souls everywhere and win them over to the Lord."

"Nah," the response came. "They're all going to hell, every last soul on earth except for you. There's no hope for anyone out there but you."

"Not one can be saved?" I asked. "Not that I particularly care, actually."

"Look at it this way," the voice answered, "there's only one mansion up in heaven, and its mailbox says Thurston Thornton on it, if you get my meaning."

"What's in the mailbox?" I asked.

"Coupons for hot wings and pizza and a letter from Publisher's Clearinghouse, that's what's in it."

"Did I win?"

"Win what?"

"Did I win the Publisher's Clearinghouse?"

"Oh, hell, I don't know, Thurston. You can check your celestial mansion mailbox after you die and go to heaven."

"Well, can't you just open it up and tell me what it says?" I was pretty anxious to find out.

"You keep it up, we can arrange for you to go to hell, Thurston."

"Okay, no problem, I can wait." A few beads of nervous perspiration trickled down my forehead.

The light subsided. I got up out of the lounge chair, went to my bed and immediately fell asleep again.

When I woke up the next day, I found that I had lost all desire to discuss politics and religion. It seemed pointless. If America cannot be saved and everyone is going to hell but me, why bother?

As I've said before, I DO NOT CHANGE MY MIND ABOUT ANYTHING, and this time is no different. I have simply followed my deepest convictions through to their logical conclusion.

So, at this point, I have no idea what I am going to write about anymore, but I'm sure that the idiotic and imbecilic people that I am forced to deal with everyday -- people just like you -- will give me plenty to put into future articles. Be patient, dear readers. I'll be back soon to tell you exactly what you need to hear for your own good.

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