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Thurston Thornton Tells It Like It Is!
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Pulling the Plug on Grandma

September 28, 2009

Let me make one thing clear from the beginning. I don't approve of government interference in anything whatsoever. Think back to America when it was first founded. Back in those days, men were real men, and women knew how to shut the hell up and take a good thick leather strap to their kids when they got out of line. Everybody rode horses, shot guns where and whenever they might see fit, killed lots of murderous Injuns in honest self-defense, whipped back-sassing and uppity slaves, and paid their workers whatever they damn well pleased. Those were the good old days. Back then, you had to be tough. This was no country for bleeding hearts and sissies. Such people froze to death in the winter or got attacked by mountain lions and were dragged away in the night. Liberal wimps couldn't hack it back in those days, which is why there weren't any of them around back then. But my, how times have changed. We've let ourselves go soft and flabby and whiny and wimpy, and look where it's gotten us. We've turned into a nation of complete pansies, most of us, not including Chuck Norris, of course.

Back in those days, you had to pull yourself up by your bootstraps and nobody was interested in hearing about how hard it was for you, and if you asked anyone for a handout they just stuck a shovel in your hand and told you to get to digging a ditch or a latrine, then maybe after you did some honest work you might get a sandwich or something, and you'd be glad to get that instead of just a cup of muddy water to drink.

Those that had money and land and houses had it because they were from good families and they worked hard. Those that didn't have the better things in life just had to work harder to get ahead in the land of opportunity, but a good number of them were just too lazy or stupid to accomplish much, so they found their place in the natural order working for somebody else, and if wages were low and conditions were bad it was their own damned fault for not having the gumption to get off their butts and do something productive with themselves.

See, my point is, back in those days, everyone understood that there were those that have and those that don't have and that's the way God made the world plain and simple. We want to reward those who know how to get ahead in life, not pull them back, which is what the socialist liberals have in mind. But if you ask me, and you must ask me because you're reading this, we've got to be faithful to the original vision of this nation's founders, and by trying to reform health care, the demon-worshipping commies in Congress and the White House are pretty much pulling down their britches and sticking their bare behinds in the faces of the founding fathers. And might I add, passing gas loudly and for a long time to boot.

You see, a lot of folks don't know this, but it's the honest truth. Reforming health care is, quite simply, unconstitutional. Notice that the Constitution starts with these words: "We hold these truths to be self-evident." So, it's self-evident that reforming health care is socialist or communist or both, and the Constitution says that this nation was founded as a capitalist society. Yes, I know, some of you academic smarty-pants are telling me that my quote is from some other document from back in the old days, but I'm not listening, so you're wasting your breath. What's at stake here is true patriotism, and by focusing on such sniggling little details you've shown how little you love this great nation.

Some self-professed defenders of American values, such as Rush Limbaugh, Ann Coulter, Glenn Beck and the like, have been rambling on and on about how health care reform would hurt the middle class and senior citizens and about how the average man and woman in this country would run into problems as a consequence. By making such comments, they have exposed themselves as nothing more than conservative wannabes, as ineffectual lightweights, and quite possibly as clandestine operatives for Obama and his highly-organized and well-funded conspiracy to implant radioactive GPS computer chips into everyone's brain. In short, they are a bunch of milquetoast pretenders with wishy-washy ideas that have no basis in reality whatsoever. In order to defend the values of this magnificent nation, you must have a clear mind that is uncluttered by fanciful ideas or unsubstantiated notions. Quite simply, you must be just like me.

No, my dear reader, what the self-professed conservative talking heads have missed the boat on is that, as true red-blooded Americans, as members of the enlightened conservative elite, we must reject health care reform not out of some misguided sympathy for the average middle-income citizen, but rather in support of the health insurance industry. The middle class doesn't need the government to help it out. Do we want to make the middle class any softer and wimpier than it already is? Come on, people, tough love!

Friends, direct your sympathy and concern towards the majestic and proud emblem of national greatness that is the health insurance industry, a soaring eagle of virtuous capitalism and honor, a symbol of our American identity whose noble feathers so many conniving and worthless politicians would like to pluck out with the communist-pink fingers of a government-run public health insurance option. This, my friends, would precipitate no less than that eagle's tragic fall from the heights of unbridled profit margins to sudden death upon the cruel rocks of government-provoked bankruptcy.

Some of you may scoff at such a suggestion. I can hear your sheep-like voices bleating already, saying such nonsense as: "Who wants to support the health insurance industry? They're all a bunch of crooks! What do they care about you and me? They just want to make a ton of money and they don't care how they do it as long as they can get away with it!"

Let's get something straight, you bunch of squiggling, sniveling maggots. This nation was founded on the premise that if I want to make a truckload of money, I'm free to do it. Nobody is going to get in my way, not a bunch of fools demanding their so-called human rights, not any damned endangered species like some stupid owl in some woods off somewhere, or some insignificant asbestos dust or whatever. This country is based on one supreme idea, and that is that the strong take what is theirs. Might makes right, because that is democracy and freedom and American greatness. Plus, shooting your gun outdoors whenever you damn well please, that's also American greatness.

Some idiots think that the health insurance industry has gone too far, that they've crossed some kind of imaginary line they shouldn't have crossed. But think back to when the British were telling us that we couldn't go west of the Appalachian Mountains, that we couldn't cross that imaginary line. What if we had listened to them? We'd be a nation of tea-sipping wimps with only thirteen states! So, we didn't listen to them, we kicked some serious Injun butt, and now look at us! Manifest Destiny! Coast to coast! Sadly, that would never happen now with the kind of people we've got running Washington these days. They'd wring their hands and probably kiss King George's hand and even honor their treaties with the Injuns.

The health insurance industry is the incarnation of what is best about America. It shows you how to cash in on the American dream big time. The leaders of that industry hitched their wagons to a star and rode all the way to the Promised Land. So what if some folks out there are griping about the rising costs of premiums? They just need to earn more money so they can afford them. See, ultimately that's good, because it will get people to think about getting out of their dead-end jobs and setting up their own businesses, pulling themselves up by their bootstraps and being real men, selling plastic Chinese toys on the Internet or whatever. We'll have a leaner, meaner, and more competitive economy that way. It'll be the kind of economy that will winnow out the weak and reward the strong. That's good for America, at least the America I believe in, not the pathetic socialist one you probably have in mind.

The health insurance industry played by the rules and now they should reap the rewards. I know some of you irritating intellectual types out there are saying that the health insurance industry made all the rules by paying off congressmen through political action committees. My, aren't you so smart. Really, I'm hardly impressed. First thing I have to say to you, wake up, you moron. What do you think Congress is? Do you think it was created to serve the interests of five-figured-salary nobodies like you? Sure, you have the usual clowns in the Democratic Party that want you to believe that, and they are wrecking the country so that you keep voting for them. Look here, Congress is run for the strong by the strong. Congress is for helping those who are already filthy rich to stay loaded, pure and simple. And unless you're out of your mind, you'll admit that's a very good thing.

I'm all for the strong. Now, I'll admit I don't have much money, but that's not the point. My sympathies are with the wealthy and the powerful because I am a true Christian and a real patriot. If you can't understand that, go read your Bible and the US Constitution and it will become clear to you. Then again, you just might be too brainwashed and stupid to understand, and in that case, just forget it and go watch PBS or some other communist TV channel.

Finally, let me say that if allowed, Congress and President Obama will set up death panels to pull the plug on your grandma. And I don't mean someone else's grandma. I mean yours. And if they can pull the plug on your grandma, they can pull the plug on the private health insurance industry by setting up a government-funded public health insurance option.

Actually, if I had to choose, I'd rather see them pull the plug on grandma. She's got to go one of these days anyway, but once the private health insurance industry is gone, it's gone forever. Well, so is grandma, but you get my point. In any case, I myself have never owned health insurance and will never purchase it. I've lived for the last several decades on a steady diet of primarily Twinkies and Cutty Sark and I'm as healthy and strong as an ox.

"Won't you tell me where my country lies?" said the unifaun to his true love's eyes...