Thurston Thornton: Why the Gulf Oil Spill is Completely Obama's Fault

Why the Gulf Oil Spill is Completely Obama's Fault

June 12, 2010

The only thing murkier than the Gulf Oil spill these days is the absurd and preposterous idea that all of this is the fault of BP, otherwise known as British Petroleum. The media and the current illegitimate government would have you believe that BP is the bad guy. Don't believe one single word of what they say. I'm telling you, there is only one single person ultimately responsible for all of this mess, and it is Barack Hussein Obama, with an emphasis on the Hussein part there in the middle.

First, let's take a look at why that oil rig burst into flames and then started gushing oil out into the ocean. Pure and simple, BP was overregulated by the government. You know how it goes. The government sends over a whole bunch of inspectors with their endless lists of useless codes and irritating safety regulations to gum up the whole operation and to try to make it completely unprofitable. That's what made the rig explode.

Next, BP was ready to cap that well in short order, but then the government got involved, undoubtedly telling BP exactly how it was supposed to do this, and of course the government can't even tie its own shoelaces. So, BP has been under the thumb of those government bureaucrats telling it to stick a lousy Band-Aid on that hole at the bottom of the ocean, and not surprisingly it doesn't work at all.

The thing is, from the beginning BP has had the solution for plugging the hole, which is to insert a 5,000 megaton nuclear bomb into it and detonate it. That would plug it up for good, but of course the government won't let BP use the nuclear bomb that it has ready to use in case of just such an emergency. Once again, as always, government bureaucracy gets in the way of the solution to a problem.

Look here, if the Obama regime decides to take upon itself the entire responsibility for solving and cleaning up this mess, I'm going to take to the street again with my tea party protester friends. Why should my tax dollars go to paying for the recovery effort when the whole thing was the fault of BP? Just the thought of it makes me boiling mad.

And as I mentioned earlier, BP is not to blame for what happened, so why should it be made to pay for cleanup costs? Those costs will just be passed on to you and me, the consumers, and who could blame BP for that, since like any other business, they must stay afloat financially. When your gas prices go up, you know who to blame: the government.

I know that some of you smarty-pants readers are going to say that I contradicted myself back there by first writing that the spill is the responsibility of BP, and then by writing that it is not. That just goes to show you what a pathetic bleeding heart liberal you are. You can't see the forest for the trees. You split hairs on unimportant details in order to obscure the larger issue at hand. Look here, the whole point is that Obama is to blame. Pure and simple, I don't like Obama because he hates America.

Some deluded so-called conservatives, especially some worthless weasel politicians in Louisiana, are making the absurd argument that the Obama administration needs to do more to help them to deal with the oil spill. Good Lord, what has happened to the conservative movement in this country! Some of those phony conservative politicians in that state are even leading their very own efforts to try to prevent and clean up the spill in their marshes and on their beaches. What a waste of Louisiana taxpayer money! What a travesty! With their pathetic lamblike bleating they sound more like liberals than the liberals themselves! They are wasting their time with all that when they should instead be carefully inspecting Obama's birth certificate.

People are making too big of a deal about the oil spill. Look, all of that crude oil coming out of the bottom of the ocean is a natural resource. I mean, nature created it; all we did was to drill a hole down into the ground beneath the ocean to bring it up. It's all natural, folks. We can let nature take care of itself without getting in the way. Nature has done just fine without our help ever since the earth was created a few thousand years ago.

Okay, so some crude oil kills a couple of lousy dolphins. As if that was a big flipping deal, which it isn't. You can just take your kids to Sea World and see some dolphins there; you don't have to see them in the wild. So, there have been a bunch of pelicans covered in oil that can't fly. I mean, seriously folks, who cares about pelicans? Did you ever see anyone with a pelican as a pet? Did you ever see a pelican as one of the featured animals at Sea World? No! People, let's stop worrying about those wild animals, because those things are a dime a dozen. Instead, we need to be worrying about corporations like BP, because they provide us with key goods and services that we use, and just as importantly, they create jobs for us.

Then there's all the pathetic bellyaching about how the oil spill is going to affect other industries, such as beach tourism, fishing, etc. Look here, folks, let's get something absolutely straight. Every business venture implies some level of risk. If you can't handle that, you don't need to be a businessman.

Let me give you an example that your feeble little brain just might be able to handle. Let's say that a little girl wants to make some lemonade to sell in front of her house. Well, of course, it's not her house, but rather her parents' house. The mother stays at home and fulfills her traditional and proper motherly and wifely role, while the father works at BP, where he has a competitive position that he got by beating out other applicants who didn't have his same level of skill, determination, focus, dedication, and efficiency, and who didn't always attend the informal social gatherings at the supervisor's home, nor did they always share his righteous political and religious views, which kind of makes you wonder why they even bothered to apply for the promotion in the first place. How deluded can you get? Anyway, the parents read Reader's Digest when they sit at the toilet, and watch Fox News. The father is careful to memorize the wholesome jokes that he reads in Reader's Digest and to repeat them to his coworkers on the job, which are good for many lighthearted chuckles. The little girl happily says her prayers and her mother tucks her into bed. Thus ends another day in a model household.

Oh, wait, I was supposed to say something about selling lemonade. Hold on a minute here. I guess I got sidetracked. Okay, so, the little girl sets up her lemonade stand, and is ready to sell, but some dark clouds roll in and it starts to rain.

Let's imagine that the little girl, as she is bringing in her lemonade stand, says to her father: "Daddy, because of the rain, I've missed out on selling at least seventy-five cents worth of lemonade, so can you give me seventy-five cents to compensate for the unexpected loss of business revenue?"

What kind of response would you expect from that father? Well, if it were me, I would whip out my belt and teach my daughter a lesson.

And to be honest with you, if I could, I'd also pull out my belt and give a good whipping to every beachfront tourist hotel in the Gulf of Mexico, every beachfront restaurant in the Gulf of Mexico, every jet-ski and parasail rental venture in the Gulf of Mexico, and every fishing and crabbing and shrimp-boat operation in the Gulf of Mexico that hems and haws and moans and groans about how the oil spill has cost them money. I've just got one thing to say about all that: tough nipples! You start up a business, you know the risk. Things happen in this life, and sometimes there are hard knocks that we've got to deal with. And if you can't deal with those hard knocks, you aren't competitive, and if you aren't competitive, maybe there's a job for you at Wal-Mart, if you are lucky.

Look here, folks. I just heard the other day that Obama is going to make BP compensate all of those whiny and wimpy businesses for their losses owing to the oil spill. Can you believe this? Can your patriotic mind even attempt to wrap itself around the twisted logic of such a monstrous idea? Let's review again, just in case the little walnut between your ears didn't get it the first time around, which I suspect to be the case.

Obama personally set the oil rig on fire and thus caused the explosion and the spill. Then, Obama has forced BP to spend its own money to make the oil spill even worse than it already is. Finally, Obama will then force BP to compensate the financial losses of all these limp-wristed businesses in the Gulf Coast area. All of those costs paid by BP will be passed on to you, the consumer! That makes me hopping mad!

It is estimated that the financial impact of all these payouts upon BP will force them to raise their gas prices by about two-fifths of a cent per gallon. That is two-fifths of a cent too much for anyone who loves this great nation of ours. I'm telling you, Obama is provoking all true patriots to nothing less than revolution. Now is the time for us to take back our country.

In conclusion, the solution to this problem is to drill, baby, drill! I've noticed how so many fake conservatives have abandoned that noble cry to action these days. Boy, it takes something like this oil spill to bring out the true colors in everyone, doesn't it? I used to think that maybe three in ten of all Americans really loved this nation, but now I am revising that figure down to one in every ten, and possibly lower. Every inch of our coastline needs to be opened up to oil drilling, and all oil drilling should be done without any government inspection whatsoever. That will end all oil spills. When we leave private industry alone, it works like a well-oiled machine and there are no disasters.

But just for the sake of argument, let's say that there were a bunch more oil spills just like this one, only instead of it being the government's fault, the oil spills were caused by terrorists? In that case, we'd just have to drop a bunch of nuclear bombs on a bunch of different terrorist countries and that would solve that problem. Then, folks would just have to get used to the idea of that sticky, smelly stuff on the beaches. Who needs beaches, anyway? Every time I go to the beach I get a bunch of sand up my swimsuit shorts. Good Lord, I can't stand that. Plus, I burn easily, and I hate having to put on sunscreen. We'd all do much better to pull up a deck chair beneath an umbrella-topped table set next to a nice, cool chlorinated pool.