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Why You Are a Loser

May 5, 2011

Let me tell you something, there are a lot of self-help books out there. And there are plenty of television shows as well that are oriented around helping viewers to develop some self-esteem and amount to something in their worthless lives.

You hear the same sugar-coated message all the damn time:

"I understand that you feel bad about yourself, and it seems to you that you've wasted your life, but you should feel good and positive and happy, put all of your failures and mistakes behind you, because the future is bright and shiny if you just let it be that way, and you're going to be successful and everything will be okay for you if you just follow these wise words of advice."

Look here, folks. There's a word for all of that stuff. It's called bull hockey. But if you like, you can also refer to it as hogwash, crap, bamboozling, flimflamming, and a sucker is born every minute.

These self-help people are businessmen. They have plenty of reason to have good self-esteem, because they're making a lot of money off of your low-self esteem. You feel bad about yourself, so you give them your money, and that makes them feel great. After you hand over your cash and read their sappy books, you probably feel a little better for a little while, but then reality sets back in and you undoubtedly end up realizing you had no good reason to feel positive about anything, plus you've just blown a chunk of your salary on a bunch of useless self-help material.

What the hell were you thinking? Oh wait, let me guess. You thought that some "wise" guru could lead you to self-esteem and happiness. You are on a fool's quest.

Why is that, you ask. Well, I'll tell you: because you are likely more concerned about being ethical than being wealthy. You've heard the saying. Nice guys finish last.

Ask yourself: Where do happiness and self-esteem come from? I'll tell you from where: money, lots and lots of money.

Since there is no hope of you ever having much money, you need to give up your fool's quest for happiness and self-esteem and realize that things aren't going to get any better. Get used to being unhappy and dissatisfied with yourself, because you're always going to be low-income.

Now, I've admitted before that I'm not a particularly wealthy man in comparison with someone like Bill Gates. I can own up to that fact. However, unlike you, I own lots and lots of land, I don't pay interest on a single damn thing since I have completely paid for everything I own, and I have scores of renters who keep the cash coming in every month.

My friends, I don't have to work for a living, but you do. So, as you can see, I'm on a much higher plane of existence than you are. No wonder I'm loving life and you are not.

All of these so-called self-help experts continuously promise you that they'll help you climb out of the hole and lead you to the promised land of wealth and contentment.

But notice that they never tell you anything about how you ended up poor and miserable. In other words, they never explain to you why you are a loser in the first place.

And do you know why? Because if they did, you'd realize that there is no hope for you, and then you wouldn't want to buy their stuff.

But you see, dear readers, I am not like them: I am selling you absolutely nothing whatsoever. You get to read my article for free, although if the truth be told, I'm looking into ways to charge you for it. I'd write a book for you if I had the time, but I'm too busy doing more important things, such as pouring Mr. Twinkle's dog food onto the floor.

So, here, for your personal edification, is my concise and no-nonsense explanation of why you are a loser. Keep in mind that it is not my intention to tell you these things in order to help you feel better about yourself or to give you false hopes of actually making a lot of money. That's not going to happen, folks.

On the contrary, my aim is to cause you to sink into the depths of hopelessness and self-loathing so that you will come to grips with the unavoidable fact that, until the very day of your death, as well as in the afterlife, you will be a person of no consequence or significance whatsoever. As for me, in the next world, I will be ensconced in my celestial mansion, while you will groan and cry out for all eternity in the midst of fiery brimstone and sulfuric flames.

All of this advice is good medicine for you, plus it is good for the national economy, since the more people there are who can humbly accept their lowly station in life, the better the nation's corporate masters can be served. What this nation needs more of are people who know their proper place. That in a nutshell is the key to keeping our CEOs fat and happy.

You are a loser primarily for the following three reasons:

1. You don't have what it takes to stick it to other people in order to get ahead.

People who go places in life know how to do what it takes to get where they need to go. When people stand in their way, they run right over them like a steamroller. There can be no pity and no mercy in the struggle for the survival of the fittest. If you are superior, you will mow down the competition without any more concern for their well-being than you might feel for blades of cut grass. But in your pathetic case, you can't do that because you think that you ought to be looking out for your fellow man. That's nothing but communism. Look here, if your fellow man can be made to work twenty-four hours a day, seven days a week, for ten cents an hour, shoveling pig manure from a giant pit, while you relax in a gold-plated jacuzzi tub and dine on caviar and drink pink champagne, so be it. That's called capitalism, my dear readers.

2. You aren't willing to curry favor with people who can help take you to the top.

Let's assume that you are one of those people who don't have any problems being ruthless in order to get what they want. My friends, that's only half of the equation. The second member of the dynamic duo is good old-fashioned brown nosing. Successful people know who has the power, and they seek them out and lavish compliments upon them in every way possible. And let me tell you, if you are like me and have power, you really appreciate it when someone is willing to puff you up a bit. It makes you feel like doing something nice for that person, like writing him a check for two dollars or something. The other day, I almost did this for a young man at my local supermarket that took my groceries out to my car for me and told me that he liked my straw hat. I was going to write him a check right then and there, but then I figured I'd better just hold on to my money. Who the hell do you think I am, Santa Claus?

3. You didn't inherit anything substantial from your family and they can't provide you with any key connections.

Some people rise to the top just by being ruthless and having a brown nose. They pull themselves up by their bootstraps and get the job done. They don't have a head start in life, but they make their fortune anyway. That's just fine by me. But still, let's face it, folks: There's nothing like being born into wealth. If your family is loaded enough, you don't have to worry about being ruthless, and as for the whole brown-nosing bit, why bother? You can hire other people to handle that for you. All you need to do is to kick back, sip on your martini, and watch the sun set from the porch of your multi-million-dollar beach house bungalow mansion.

So, too bad that none of those conditions apply to you. Well, not too bad, actually, since I could care less -- I'm just being honest here.

I hope that my sage advice has helped you to give up on your ridiculous attempts to feel better about yourself, and has led you to admit that you are not destined for the kind of financial independence enjoyed by men of substance such as myself.

Now get back to work, so that you can make money for your boss, so that he can give you a tiny chunk of his earnings, so that I can take it from you as payment for rent.

And throw away those damned self-help books before they start giving you any crazy ideas, such as making any pathetic efforts to stand up to your boss or your landlord.

"Won't you tell me where my country lies?" said the unifaun to his true love's eyes...