Off My Meds
May 23, 2010
As I've mentioned to you in a previous article, I take psychiatric medications. Now, you might wonder what a strong, patriotic, real man like myself must be doing taking that stuff. Let's get something straight, folks. I am required by law to take those meds. Wait, let me be more specific. I am required by the communist authorities that rule this city to take that medication.
This requirement went into effect after a number of incidents which were entirely not my fault, since I was provoked by those who would destroy this great country of ours, and when I sought to respond in defense of everything that I hold cherish and dear -- when I took entirely justified measures that were cruelly and preposterously deemed as "acts of public disturbance" -- I was hauled down to the city jail, given an interview with some mega-communist guy with a beard, mustache, and tweed jacket that calls himself a psychiatrist but really ought to be called a Bolshevik witch doctor, and then I was unceremoniously tossed into a padded cell wearing a straightjacket.
My friends, it was ignominy of the very highest order, and quite frankly the greatest abuse that my personal dignity has ever suffered in all the years of my life. They kept me in there for a solid eight days and gave me enough injections to knock out an elephant, but I still put up one hell of a fight and actually even managed to rip a few holes in my straightjacket. Finally, I must confess, I was beaten, for not even the fieriest patriotic heart can withstand the constant torture and interrogations of terroristic fiends such as those. I told them that I would do whatever they wanted just so long as they would let me out of there. It was the lowest point of my life, but as you can see, like the Phoenix I have risen triumphant from the ashes of defeat.
I was let loose and set up once again with the same despicable shrink as before. He told me I had this condition here and that condition there -- used a bunch of pseudo-scientific terminology -- then gave me a stack of prescriptions to take to a local pharmacy. He said that if I didn't take the medicines as ordered, and if I got back in trouble with the KGB forces of the city, they would test my blood, and if they didn't find the required meds in my bloodstream, I might very well be assigned a permanent bed at the nuthouse funny farm down the road.
I figured, hah, I'll make a point of staying completely clear of the minions of Leninist and Marxist leadership, they'll find no more reason to haul me in for questioning again, and I won't even bother to pick up my medicine. But then I got to thinking that maybe they would stage an incident in order to set me up and haul me in anyway. So, I decided, I'll take this stuff just in case.
Let me tell you, taking that medication totally sucked the life out of me. It was like somebody had pulled the plug on my brain. I spent weeks planted on my butt in front of the television watching Fox News, and only got up to use the bathroom, or to grab some more Twinkies or another bottle of Cutty Sark. I completely and utterly lost the urge to save America from the evil bleeding-heart liberal commies that even now are plotting to turn this nation into a French penal colony. Even my trusty dog Mr. Twinkle noticed that I wasn't my usually robust and energetic self, and whined and looked up at me with sad eyes, undoubtedly wondering why we had ended our customary daily walks to the park during which I would read potent verses of the Bible to damned souls within earshot.
At last, I resolved that I would stop taking those cursed meds come hell or high water. Life is too short to spend it wandering around like a lobotomized zombie. I also promised myself that I would muster up the iron strength of my will and resist each and every impulse to declare total war upon those who have robbed this great nation of its very soul. Within, I reasoned, I would carry, alive and blazing, the flame of righteous rebellion against the usurpers of my beloved country, but without I would present the most innocuous and enigmatic face to the general public. My friends, I did indeed manage to accomplish this for several days, however, it was to no avail, since during my tragic visit to that aforementioned padded cell, a computerized chip was inserted into my brain via my left nostril whilst I slept, and so my every thought has been known to the godless authorities ever since.
Dear reader, in the several brief journal entries that follow-which begin with the first day I went off my meds, and end when those who hate freedom focused the full force of their despotic powers upon me with laser-like intensity-you will see abundant evidence that my mental processes were in no wise impaired by the cessation of psychiatric medication. On the contrary, with the passing of each day, my senses became increasingly razor-sharp. Likewise, my intellect soared to ever more stratospheric heights, and my typically irascible nature gradually surged back like thousands upon thousands of fresh young troops sent to the Middle East to protect America from fanatical terrorists. Yes, I was exhilarated and reborn as a consequence of my liberation from that stultifying regimen of mind-control pills, but alas, such liberation was doomed to last for only the shortest span of time.
May 14, 2009
Yesterday I took my last accursed psych pill. No more! This afternoon I noticed that my mood had improved considerably. I turned off the television and decided to go outside and walk around the block a few times. When I got back to the house, I realized that I had forgotten to take my Bible with me. I'll be sure not to forget it the next time I go out. I shouldn't deprive my fellow citizens of the word of God.
May 15, 2009
When I picked up the newspaper to read it today, I was suddenly able to see the coded communist messages in it again. Things are definitely getting better. I took Mr. Twinkle for a walk today, and got him to whiz on the wheels of a Volkswagen bus owned by some detestable subhuman with long hair and a beard, something I haven't done for weeks.
May 16, 2009
God bless America! It is a wonderful day! I'm feeling better and better. Here is my to-do list for today. First, tell everyone about how they should overthrow the current socialist government and replace it with one based upon the teachings of the Bible, with a legal code taken directly from the Book of Leviticus. Second, find all people with Russian last names living in our state and create a list that will facilitate the roundup of those individuals once the revolution has been carried through to its successful conclusion. Third, pick up ten frozen pizzas at the supermarket for Mr. Twinkle, who seems to have lost interest in his customary dog food.
May 17, 2009
I am becoming stronger and stronger. My brain waves are now able to penetrate solid concrete and cause aggravating acid indigestion for those that would subvert the principles upon which this great nation was founded. However, I must find a way to diffuse these powers over a much larger area, so I have fashioned a large transmitter antennae from three interconnected wire coat hangers, and am powering them with voltage from six car batteries that I purchased this afternoon. This should give me a range of at least fifty miles in every direction.
May 18, 2009
Sarah Palin is so incredibly beautiful. She is real proof that woman was created in God's image. I went to Wal-Mart today and bought a few dozen bags of flour, a couple of large containers of glue, and some watercolor paint, with which I am now constructing a life-sized statue of the former Republican vice-presidential nominee. I will package it in bubble wrap and mail it to her private home in Wasilla, Alaska tomorrow. It will nicely compliment her acacia shrubs in her backyard garden area.
May 19, 2009
I can no longer contain myself. The revolution to reclaim America must begin right now. I am now working on my battle plan, which involves the construction of a device which will send out a powerful gamma-ray pulse that will fry the circuits in the geostationary satellites used by the current illegitimate government to monitor the brainwave activity of all true, red-blooded Americans. After these satellites have been deactivated, I will then broadcast my call to revolution over CB radio on law enforcement frequency.
May 20, 2009
Unable to obtain the materials necessary to create a gamma-ray pulse device, I decided to go ahead and declare revolution anyway. Police, who undoubtedly had been monitoring my brainwaves over the previous several days, arrived at my house minutes later, and I was taken back to that same rotten shrink, who asked for a blood sample to see if I was still taking my meds. Fortunately, I was prepared for this eventuality, and had taken a large dose of pills as soon as I heard the approaching sirens. I passed my blood test and was given a stern warning by the shrink and the police. Now I am back in front of the television watching Fox News and feeling crummy again.
My dear friends, surely you must be able to comprehend the terrible frustration I was feeling on September 20, 2009, when things did not turn out as I had planned. It seemed to me that I was left with only two choices, either continue on with those damned pills and return to being a human vegetable, or forswear them, and end up institutionalized for the rest of my natural life.
However, as I pondered my situation, a third option became clear to me. I might only take those meds sporadically, perhaps only when I felt that my zealousness for defending the land of the free and the home of the brave had reached such a fevered pitch that it might attract unwanted attention from such oppressors as serve he who rebelled against God and was cast out of heaven to serve as supreme lord of the underworld. And in this way, my gentle readers, I have soldiered onward ever since, and will do so until the day when government will finally once again be in the hands of those who know how to properly run it, which is to say those that will immediately let loose with every last nuclear bomb in our arsenal and annihilate every one of our enemies, remove every last environmental restriction on corporate activity, and force that shrink of mine to take a good fistful of the nasty pills he's been prescribing me and let him see for himself just how fun it is to take that stuff.
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