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Weirdness Ensues at Uncle Steve's

November 2008

Admiral Porkliver spooked us all with an unforgettable Halloween concert on October 31. The weather kind of cooperated since we had flashing lightning and wind for awhile, then a really strong thunderstorm hit and the power actually went out. We were all prepared to end the concert right then and there and all go home, but lead singer Stoughton Finney brought out his substantial collection of votary candles, all spontaneously borrowed from a Catholic church in Indiana that for Stoughton's sake I will not name here. After lighting the candles, the band played an "unplugged" show, using only acoustic guitars, congas, and their voices to perform a number of their most popular original tunes as well as some classic cover songs such as the Beatles' "Revolution Number Nine." One concertgoer claimed to have seen the ghost of John Lennon in the club bathroom. If you weren't there, you really missed out!

Live Admiral Porkliver shows at Uncle Steve's have been more sporadic than usual due to a number of factors, such as, according to band member Ricardo Brezhnev, the recent alignment of the planets, a couple of chronically inflamed foot corns, the fact that electricity at Uncle Steve's was cut off for three weeks until problems with unpaid bills could be sorted out, the inevitable delay caused by the need to find a replacement for Dr. Roscoe Hogg's bass drum after the original was dropped from the top of a grain silo, and an unfortunate calisthenics accident that required a prolonged period of hospitalization for the band member in question, who prefers that I not disclose his name in relation to this particular piece of information.

Hope everyone had a great Thanksgiving! Best wishes to all for an enjoyable holiday season. We actually held an impromptu Thanksgiving dinner right here at Uncle Steve's. I took a collection and headed for the China Palace restaurant for takeout. Unfortunately, no females were present for our holiday dinner. Ladies, maybe you'll join us next year.

Here's some more juicy gossip about the members of Admiral Porkliver, hot off the presses, so to speak.

Stoughton Finney, Admiral Porkliver's lead singer and supreme dictatorial authority, was in a relationship for a few months with some nice lady visiting from Luxembourg, but that didn't work out because she fell in love with Willy, former kazoo player for the band, and the two of them hitched a ride out of town. A month later she sent Stoughton a post card from Tibet to apologize, and explained that she was carrying either Stoughton's or Willy's love child, she wasn't sure. This episode left Stoughton so emotionally devastated that he composed his Olympian masterpiece, "Carburetor Stew Tourniquet Fungi," a one hundred and seventy-five minute piece consisting of sixty-five different orchestral movements and extended shouted readings from his stream-of-consciousness poetry, with the only instruments used being a ukulele with two un-tuned strings, a kitchen pot with spoon for percussion, and a toddler's four-note xylophone. This epic composition was recorded using a cassette player by my good friend Joe Minsk, who plans to convert it to digital and post it to the Internet soon. It was actually played live once last month at Uncle Steve's, but less than three minutes into the composition practically everyone had left the club, and the police then showed up on suspicion of cruelty to animals. So, tragically, that was probably the first and last time it will ever be played live. You've got to hear the recording. I think that it shares certain thematic affinities with Franz Schubert's Number 8: B minor Unfinished D. 759. Oh, by the way, Willy returned last week and has been begging to be readmitted to the band. Stoughton is expected to give in to his supplications, provided that the groveling carries on at least one week longer. Also, Melvin expects to be able to buy back his bass guitar in a few days, so they will need Willy back on kazoo anyway.

Reverend Red Butts, keyboard player for Admiral Porkliver, worked as a Santa Claus impersonator in another town last Christmas, but was fired for losing his temper and shouting out profane language after one the children that sat on his lap wet his pants. He applied for a position as Saint Nick for this year here at the mall in Bratwurst and was accepted since the personnel manager at the responsible organization has no knowledge of last year's fiasco. Let's hope that this year the little ones can control their bladders and that Red can control his temper. Red has found more regular employment as a cashier at a local convenience store that was robbed at gunpoint seven times last month. He claims to have recently been born yet again in Christ and as a result has sworn off any contact with the fairer sex until his death. To which his band mate Dr. Roscoe Hogg remarked: "Being born again isn't going to keep from happening something that wasn't going to happen anyway despite his very best efforts." Regardless of Dr. Hogg's pronouncement, rumor has it that a recently retired cafeteria worker formerly employed at a local high school may be interested in going out to see a horror flick with the good reverend.

- Jacob Silverman

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"Won't you tell me where my country lies?" said the unifaun to his true love's eyes...