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The Porkliver Saga Continues

September 2008

Admiral Porkliver made their historic first performance at Uncle Steve's on July 22, 2008. Please see my posted interview with the band for more information in that regard. There were only a few people present at that first concert, but over the last two months, attendance at their shows has steadily increased, and last Friday we had a total of 37 people at their performance, many of whom were incidentally not from Adlai Mortensen nor working at Uncle Steve's. You can catch the band most Fridays and Saturdays at Uncle Steve's, and they've even been known to do occasional Sunday morning concerts upon request.

Here's a bit of personal information on the band members that I've gathered either from speaking directly with the band or picked up through the grapevine:

Dr. Roscoe Hogg, drummer for Admiral Porkliver, got an adjunct position for awhile as particle physicist instructor at nearby Adlai Mortensen College, until it was discovered that his PhD was actually purchased online for $50. Before he was exposed, however, he broke important new ground in the study of subatomic realities by positing that quarks are themselves actually composed of even smaller particles called Moe, Larry, and Curly, which struggle amongst themselves in a chaotic and disorganized way and actually underlie the fundamental instability and insanity of the universe itself. One day after delivering one of his famously mind-blowing lectures, Dr. Hogg reportedly called for a break, and passed out five full bottles of Jack Daniels to his students. This action actually led to the background check of his dubious degree, which itself led to his dismissal. He is now happily unemployed.

Melvin Mayo, bass player for Admiral Porkliver, had his instrument stolen from him when he left it next to an apartment swimming pool while doing some spur-of-the-moment skinny dipping. Unable to come up with sufficient funds to replace it, he was summarily dismissed from the band, but shortly afterwards reinstated when he bought a new plastic kazoo at Wal-Mart, making Admiral Porkliver the only band ever known to feature two kazoo players, with Melvin on lead kazoo and Willy on rhythm kazoo. Melvin eventually found his bass guitar at a local pawn shop, but does not have enough money to buy it back. The band is currently looking for a bass player. They still have the bass amplifier and cabinet combo; they just need someone with an actual electric bass guitar to plug into it. So, if you are that person, or if you know someone interested, please let somebody out there know, but don't tell me because I may or may not be able to relay that information to Stoughton, since he is presently refusing to speak to me for reasons that I choose not to go into here. I have heard that the pawn shop owner himself might be interested in joining the band, but he hasn't yet learned how to play bass guitar.

Ricardo Brezhnev of Admiral Porkliver was arrested for sleeping in a toilet stall at a local bowling alley. During the arrest, it was discovered that he had, according to his own admission, 63 grams of Mongolian shrub leaf powder on him. A thorough perusal of the federal government's list of controlled substances revealed that at the present time this was not yet a criminalized drug. He then snorted the powder with several of the police officers present, and swore that it created a unique and euphoric high, but the only noted reactions from the officers was that one of them sneezed a few times, while another commented that the powder smelled like armpit sweat. He was then invited to rent a small, partially furnished storage shed behind the city sheriff's house, where he currently resides. He has occasionally been seen mowing the sheriff's expansive lawn with a large riding power mower, and has planted several rows of Mongolian shrubs near the sheriff's home.

- Jacob Silverman

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"Won't you tell me where my country lies?" said the unifaun to his true love's eyes...