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Hardcore Invasion from Down South

December 2009

Eardrums were shattered and brains were cooked by the thunderous onslaught of Stab Skull, an extremely loud and visually aggressive hardcore punk rock band out of Birmingham, Alabama, and STD, an equally loud, visually repulsive, and musically incoherent group that is also from Birmingham, on November 15. Attendance at that concert was the highest that it's been at Uncle Steve's within recent memory, with so many people packed in that I couldn't count them all. Judging from the southern accents I heard, I would imagine that a lot of people came up from down south to see these bands play. A number of things were stolen from Uncle Steve's that evening, including my iPod, and a swastika was spray painted on the restroom door. Uncle Steve's is a beautiful place but people who do that kind of stuff will ruin it. So, if you people pull that kind of crap again we're going to shut the place down for a few months and see how you feel about that. You've been warned.

Well, in any case, we won't be seeing either Stab Skull or STD at Uncle Steve's for awhile, and here are the reasons for that.

Stab Skull is presently staying at the Budget Inn until they decide on their next touring move. They were invited to Bratwurst by Pete Wilkinson of Nazi Sex Zombies. Pete had actually lived with the members of Stab Skull in Birmingham for several months last year, and has occasionally filled in for Stab Skull's lead guitarist and singer, Stab, when the latter is too chemically influenced to perform live. Stab Skull was formed in 1983 and has been busting eardrums and shocking parents ever since. Upcoming shows at Uncle Steve's have been cancelled due to a widespread outbreak of painful venereal disease among all group members.

STD, or Sexually Transmitted Dementia, are expected to leave town as soon as they are released from jail. They were incarcerated after having completely trashed two rooms at the Budget Inn by squirting massive amounts of jalapeño-flavored nacho cheese everywhere, drinking large quantities of beer, and then soaking the beds, carpets, and furniture with their own urine. They also put out hundreds of their cigarettes on top of the television sets, dressers, beds, and the carpet. I went to visit the lead singer, Fritz, at the city jail, and he remarked: "Those rooms already smelled like spilled beer and piss before we got there. What's the big deal?" STD's recent set at Uncle Steve's consisted in its entirety of a thirty-minute version of what was supposed to be The Stooges "Your Pretty Face is Going to Hell." I thought it would be impossible to ruin such an elemental song, but STD has proven to us once again that the capacity to fail musically knows no bounds.

- Jacob Silverman

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"Won't you tell me where my country lies?" said the unifaun to his true love's eyes...