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Two Contributors Gone MIA
October 2011 by Somebody

It's time once again for our quarterly overview of what's happening at Somebody's Webpage. There's been nothing to report lately as far as new sections or features. The website has been taking a long rest from the frenzy of activity and growth that occurred last year. There will eventually be another extended growth cycle, with many new features coming to the Junk Closet section. There are planned sections for satire and short fiction, personal stories, poetry, art, self-help tips, videos, and maybe even some new material from Chef Pierre. Right now I'm holding off on developing those sections because we lack the personnel required to fill them with skillful and impressive writing on a regular basis. That's right -- we're still looking for additional contributors! If any aspiring or established writers happen to be reading this, now's the time for you to step up to the plate and show us what you've got! We're looking for music reviews, editorials, satire, essays, poetry, short fiction -- pretty much anything and everything. Send your submissions and inquiries to

Some of you might have noticed that September was a very slow month for us, and for about three weeks nothing new was posted on the website. We apologize for this, and will refrain from make excuses for this gross neglect of our duties. However, it must be emphasized that this recent lack of new material was not due to laziness, but to situations beyond our control.

First of all, Somebody Else, our main editorial contributor, has a broken down car. Because of this he's been forced to ride his bicycle 30 miles each way to and from his night job at the ball-bearing manufacturing plant. This has gotten him into great shape, but has taken up all his time for writing, since the commute is about six hours per day. He expects to have his car repaired within the next few weeks if he can get a loan from his Uncle Fred, who plans to loan him the money as soon as he sells his stamp collection on eBay, something he's been meaning to do for years. Looks like S.E. should have held on to some of that cash we found in Thurston's old file cabinet, instead of blowing it all on his royal wedding trip. Oh well, some people never learn.

Speaking of Thurston Thornton, nobody seems to know where our landlord and conservative columnist has been lately. He had promised us a new column last month, but we never received anything from him. There's a rumor going around that he may have abandoned his house or gone on a long trip somewhere. His mailbox is full of mail, which is very uncharacteristic of him since he usually checks it every day. His neighbor Karen says she's worried halfway out of her mind, and swears he is still in the house because his car is still there, and she has seen flickering candlelight in the windows late at night. She has tried knocking on his door several times, but nobody answers. Even stranger, Thurston's dog, Mr. Twinkle, has been living at Karen's house, and she says he just showed up there one day. It's hard to imagine Thurston forgetting about his dog for such a long time, so we're starting to wonder if we should contact the police and have them check to see if he's OK. I guess we owe the guy that much, even though he's been pretty ruthless and greedy as our landlord. Late last month before he dropped out of the public view, he was seen walking around town with his aluminum foil beanie on, saying that he would keep up his war against the liberal/alien menace until his very last breath. This doesn't seem all that strange coming from him, but we're going to look into the situation and make sure he hasn't finally gone off the deep end.

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"Won't you tell me where my country lies?" said the unifaun to his true love's eyes...