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Hey, Where'd the Closet Go?
April 2012 by Somebody

Hello, Somebody's Webpage fans! Time for another enlightening installment of Webpage News. Strangely, it turns out that this time there's actually a lot of website-related news to tell you about, which minimizes the need for me to ramble on about random topics in order to fill out the column. Not that there's anything wrong with that.

First of all, we would like to thank Cassie Behle, who contributed her review of a Silversun Pickups album for the Favorite Music column for this month. Cassie writes a highly entertaining blog which you can read here.

Meanwhile, we're making final preparations for the grand unveiling of our new Main Office section, which will take the place of the old Junk Closet section. That's right, the Junk Closet is going into semi-retirement, and the sub-sections that appear there will be moved to the Main Office. You might be wondering, "Why weren't we informed of this upcoming change in the last installment of Webpage News, in which you ruminated at length about the end of the world and said very little about the website?" The reason is that we just decided to do this a couple of weeks ago. We like to act quickly on our decisions, 'cause we're crazy like that. Or at least, this one time we were crazy like that. Now we're back to being indecisive and overly cautious.

One motivating factor for the change is that our long-suffering contributors Thurston Thornton and Ted Crawford had been complaining that their material deserved to be featured somewhere better than the ugly old Junk Closet. Also, we had been planning several new features for the website, and realized that we needed a more prestigious place for them than the Junk Closet, which was originally conceived as the place for everything that didn't fit into the Opinion Clearinghouse or Music Desk sections. Since there was really no other place on the site to put the new columns and things, we came up with the Main Office section to replace the Junk Closet.

Along with links to all the sections from the Junk Closet, the Main Office will feature a new column called Zeitgeist Memo, which will be devoted to the subject of offbeat news stories and reflections on various pop-culture topics. Upcoming additions to the Main Office will include a new column for fictitious writing, called Night Train Gazette, a poetry section called Debris, and a new, improved Chef Pierre section with a long-awaited second column from the elusive Chef. Even further down the road we have an art section planned called Art Vortex, along with a Self-Help Kiosk, and a feature called Vacation Horror Stories that will rely mostly on reader submissions. So, it looks like 2012, and probably 2013, might be major expansion years for Somebody's Webpage. We are still looking for additional contributors, of course. If you would like to write something for our site, send your submissions to

I'm not sure if we have any fans who are devastated at the thought of losing the Junk Closet, but if so, they can take partial consolation in the possibility that the Junk Closet section may eventually return in the form of our merchandising page, if the website ever gets to the point of selling things like t-shirts, coffee mugs, joy buzzers, taffy, and custom stationery.

To sum it all up, it feels like we're beginning our slow transition to becoming a real website. The initial building phase is near completion and the underlying structure of the site is hopefully in a semi-permanent form that won't have to be changed again, and we've been getting more serious about recruiting additional writers and promoting the site. It feels like we've built a huge amusement park that hasn't yet opened to the public. We're putting the finishing touches on things and making sure everything is in working condition. I've been getting a little stressed out about the whole thing again, like I used to a few years ago when we were just starting out, mostly because of all the design work that still has to be done. The difference now is that I can actually see the finish line. I want the site to get there fast, but it feels like we're moving in slow motion. It's kind of like the suspense when you're going up that first steep incline on a rollercoaster, and you know there's an exciting ride ahead.

Right about now you're thinking, "This guy has a slightly exaggerated sense of self-importance." Yes, it's true. In my heart I feel Somebody's Webpage is destined for greatness. Please allow me my delusions, they are the driving force behind this weird and lonely outpost of cyberspace.

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"Won't you tell me where my country lies?" said the unifaun to his true love's eyes...