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Issues with Thurston Resolved
April 2011 by Somebody

The time has once again arrived for Somebody to put his fingers to the keyboard and come up with a new installment of Webpage News. First of all, if you're reading this -- and you probably are -- the most obvious news is that this page is now separate from the ol' About Page, and features a cool logo (that $10 wacky font CD that I picked up at Office Depot sure comes in handy at times) and different colored bricks. Let's face it, this page looks pretty awesome. Now if I can just come up with some interesting words to put here, the world will be my cupcake, which I will generously share with you, my fans.

Some of you might be wondering why there's no longer a link to Thurston Thornton's column in the Opinion Clearinghouse section. Well, here's the ugly truth. We have received a stunning number of negative comments about our token conservative columnist and landlord. Steve from Chicago, for instance, commented that, "I'd rather read the back of a cereal box than the ramblings of that psychotic old fart." June, from Fort Apache, said, "I've got plenty of horse manure here on my farm. I don't need any more of it from Mr. Thornton." After wading through hundreds of similar email comments, we made the decision to move him to the Junk Closet section, where I'm sure he will continue to churn out his ill-informed prognostications on a regular basis. So far, he seems unaware of the change. Thurston, if you're reading this, I hope you realize that everything I just wrote was a huge April Fool's Day joke! Our readers actually can't get enough of you, and that's why we're moving you to the Junk Closet with the rest of our premium content! There's no reason for you to raise our rent! Heh heh.

In order to fill the spot left by Thurston's "promotion," Quasi-Stoics Lounge has been moved from the Junk Closet to the Opinion Clearinghouse page. As you probably know, QSL covers a range of topics from philosophy and science to pop culture. Now you'll be able to check out all of our authoritative opinions in one convenient section. This has, admittedly, left the Junk Closet looking kind of bare, but don't worry. We have plenty of other junk to put in there. An art section called ad infinitum is currently in the early stages of production, to be rolled out later this year, along with a poetry section called Debris. Even farther down the road will be a section for satirical writing and short fiction. I have also received word from Chef Pierre that he plans to write some additional columns for us.

After much delay and procrastination, I finally got my taxes done. I used Turbo Tax for the first time, and the clever little program was able to find several sneaky loopholes and give me a pretty impressive refund. It also informed me that my audit risk was only slightly higher than normal. I plan to use some of that cash on a new graphics program or two, to assist in our never ending quest to dazzle your senses.

In other news, my recent trip to the dentist worked out well. The back tooth in question was in bad shape -- part of an old filling had come out and the exposed part of the tooth had started to decay a little bit -- but the skillful staff was able to save the tooth and the really good news was that a crown was not required. In fact, the whole visit lasted about an hour. Very impressive, as far as dental experiences go. I had a lot of weird theories about the world when I was a teenager. One of the stranger ones said that toothpaste was just a money-making scheme by the personal products industry. Several years and a dozen or so fillings later, I began to reexamine my dental hygiene views. There are some truths in life that are not very profound. One of them is "Brush and floss!"

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"Won't you tell me where my country lies?" said the unifaun to his true love's eyes...