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Declaring Independence
July 2011 by Somebody

July is here, which means that along with the fireworks and blazing heat, it's time for an all new fun-filled installment of Webpage News. I'm actually happy to report that there's not much news to report this time around. I have continued to tinker around with page designs here and there, and we've got some new contributors, including Jorge Majfud, Winston Lee, and Old Guy. Also, TV Crawlspace has been moved to the Junk Closet for obvious reasons. There's nothing for you Ted Crawford fans to be worried about, though. He will continue as our resident TV critic until we can afford to pay somebody who's better.

Other than that, everything here has been going pretty routinely and smoothly. Our traffic is nowhere near what I would like, but it's been increasing slowly and steadily, and we have a small but loyal group of fans on Facebook -- we appreciate it, you guys. Anyway, that's all the webpage news for now, and since I'm writing this on the 4th of July, I thought I would finish up this column with some thoughts about independence. Everybody knows that this day is a celebration of America's somewhat forceful departure from the nest of mother England. That's all well and good. I doubt that England would take us back again if we went knocking on their door. However, there are a couple of other things I'd like to declare my independence from, which I will share with you now:

Fireworks - Just to clarify, I'm not talking about the big booming kind that make pretty colors in the sky and solicit ooo's and aah's from friends and family. I mean the kind purchased from a roadside trailer which keep entire neighborhoods awake for a couple of weeks after July 4th and New Year's Eve. Seriously, what's the purpose of these things? To paraphrase Buffy: OK, I get it! You're obnoxious already!

Heartburn - If your life is fraught with regular attacks of heartburn you may be suffering from the dreaded acid reflux disease. Ask your doctor about [your company's heartburn medication advertised here for a low fee of $10,000].

Movies That Look Like Video Games - So a movie studio spends $100 million dollars on a ton of computer animation, a cliché-ridden script, and some big name actors. You'll see it advertised everywhere from TV and the Internet to the side of your super-sized fast food drink. If it isn't a sequel to something, the plot was probably stolen from an old movie, TV show, comic book, or sadly, even an actual video game. Please don't reward Hollywood for this garbage. Save your money. You'll need it one day.

The National Debt - 14 trillion dollars is a lot of money to owe the rest of the world. A large chunk of this was created by the "too big to fail" bank bailouts. Some economists say that when the debt reaches a certain point, hyperinflation takes over. How long before we're paying $50 billion dollars for a loaf of bread like they did in Zimbabwe. The sad truth is that our country has been carjacked by Wall Street pirates, and we're racing down the freeway playing chicken with economic disaster. This may be one of those situations where it has to get a lot worse before it gets better.

Dust - Dusting has always been one of my last priorities in life, and as a result I have an apartment that's filled with the stuff. The irony is that if you want to get rid of dust, you have to be willing to dust. I sometimes wonder what dust is made of. Probably lint, dirt, and a whole list of other things. I'd like to have a little device that could analyze a dust sample and tell you all the chemicals and compounds of which it is made. It would tell you the common names of any recognizable substances, such as "Styrofoam" or "pollen" or "glass particles." Maybe knowing what kind of things you were breathing in would make you want to dust more.

Daylight Savings Time - My late friend Cary once told me about a certain song on an album by Electric Light Orchestra. He said if you played the song backwards you would hear an ominous voice say, "You can turn back the record, but you can't turn back time! Turn back! Turn back! Turn baaaaack!" Cary died young but he was wise beyond his years. He knew that time was not something to be tampered with, and yet we are forced year after year to "spring forward" and "fall back." You'd think there would be a huge popular uprising against this incredibly stupid tradition. When questioned, however, people will give you all kinds of reasons for why they think the twice-a-year clock change is necessary, like, "It makes the sun shine longer," or, "It helps farmers," or, "It reduces crime." But why stop at just changing the time twice a year? Why not change it every week, and let everybody set it at whatever arbitrary time they want. Then nobody will know what time it is and we can have a big party in the street.

hhgregg Commercials - To say these things are embarrassing to watch is somewhat of an understatement. They usually feature a goofy-voiced character (named h.h. -- how'd they think that up?) comprised of a rolled up sales paper with a ball for a head, which has no visible means of attachment to the rest of the body, and despite the lack of a throat he still manages to ruin my favorite song by K.C. and the Sunshine Band.

Mind Control Waves - The use of electromagnetic waves by the Illuminati -- in conjunction with several different species of aliens and time-travelling robots -- to control your thoughts, feelings, and desires, is a very real danger to all of us. At one time these waves came only from space ships and satellites in orbit around the earth. The co-opting of cell phone technology by the shadow government has reduced the level of control the average person has over his/her mind to almost none. One of our few lines of defense against this menace is aluminum foil. During a recent trip to the grocery store, the cashier didn't bat an eye when I went through her line with ten boxes of Reynolds Wrap. If she had asked what it was for, I would have been happy to explain that the materials were required by our new Mind Protection Policy here at Somebody's Webpage. After a long discussion with Winston Lee, one of our contributors, I decided that all staff members would be required to construct and wear special protective headgear as described on this informative website. If you value your mental freedom, you will do the same.

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"Won't you tell me where my country lies?" said the unifaun to his true love's eyes...