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Ted Nugent to Host New Children's Program

June 2, 2012 by General Strangeness

PBS has confirmed that Ted Nugent will be the host of its new kids' show, Uncle Ted's Happy Hour, which is said to be inspired by the network's high-rated Barney & Friends program. The program will feature singing and dancing segments, along with educational nature hikes and field trips.

A public television network representative commented, "Viewers will see a side of Nugent they have never seen before. He's definitely trying to get away from his rock-and-roll crazy man image." In addition to sharing his jokes and stories with the kids, the Nuge will highlight the importance of becoming involved in the community and helping to make the world a better place.

Pluto Sues Astronomers for Defamation of Character

The former planet Pluto is seeking 500 billion dollars in financial compensation from the International Astronomical Union for slander, defamation of character, and emotional distress.

Pluto has complained that since its official downgrade from planet to "dwarf planet", its ad revenues have dropped to half of what they used to be. The ex-planet explained that its chief source of income is derived from the rental of its surface area to advertisers, who use the planet to display giant ads which are targeted to interstellar travelers.


In addition to its financial hardships, Pluto also says its characterization by astronomers as a dwarf has adversely affected its love life. "Yeah, me and Venus used to have a thing, but the IAU ruined all of that. Now she's with big, stupid Jupiter, and she won't even admit that we were together. It's embarrassing."

Pluto explained with tears in its eyes that the lawsuit was not really about the money. "Those astronomers haven't considered the situation from my perspective. They don't know what it's like to be orbiting out here on the edge of the solar system where it's cold and dark, and being told by planets that used to be your friends, 'You're not one of us -- you don't matter anymore.' I just want my old life back."

Seals & Crofts Announce Reunion Tour

1970s soft-rock legends Seals and Crofts have announced they are coming out of retirement and pulling out all the stops for a 2012-2013 world tour. Sponsored by such corporate giants as Target, Whole Foods, and Absolut Vodka, the tour will feature an elaborate stage show that will include pyrotechnic effects, laser lights, and tons of fog.

The duo promise the show will have something for everybody, including what they describe as hard rock versions of "Summer Breeze" and "Get Closer." "Those songs are kind of our tribute to Type O Negative," Dash Crofts told me in a recent phone interview. "Those guys helped to introduce our music to a whole new generation of fans." Along with their classic hits, the group will also perform material from their newest CD, Walk a Mile in My Sandals, which has been described as an eclectic blend of new age, metal, reggae, and bluegrass.

In addition to a host of backup singers and horn players, the touring band will include a star-studded roster of guest musicians, including Dave Grohl on drums, former Ozzy guitarist Zakk Wylde, Keith Emerson on keyboards, country fiddle sensation Beatrice McIntyre, Ruth Underwood on xylophones and percussion, and renowned session man Eddie Haskins handling the dulcimer and mandolins.

When asked if the decision to tour again was inspired by a midlife crisis, Jim Seals replied, "No, it was definitely more of an old age crisis."

Reality Show Producer Jailed for Kidnapping

Bail has been set at one million dollars for the release of would-be reality show producer Jason McKinley, who has been charged with kidnapping, assault, and several other charges. He was arrested in connection with the kidnapping of several celebrities, including Pierce Brosnan, Eva Longoria, Danny Bonaduce, Kelly Ripa and Bobcat Goldthwait.

McKinley had sought to recruit the celebrities as participants in his new reality show, called Dancing for Your Dinner. A press release described the never-aired show as a cross between Dancing with the Stars and Survivor. In their statements to the police, the celebrities testified that they were tricked into traveling to the producer's rented island retreat in the Philippines, and were promised substantial payments to participate in a fictitious charity event to be shown on network television, which was to be followed by an exclusive party with lots of celebrity guests, gourmet food and swag giveaways.

Eva Longoria Pierce Brosnan Kelly Ripa

Once they arrived, the camera crew started filming the stars as they were informed that they were not there for the charity event, but were actually the subjects of McKinley's reality show, and the contracts they had signed -- which the celebs apparently hadn't read very well -- required their participation and protected the producers from any type of legal retaliation.

Sources say the resulting pilot episode is somewhat of an incoherent train wreck, and consists mostly of the reluctant stars dancing badly, begging for food, threatening the producer, and being pelted with tropical fruit while the production crew laughs hysterically.

Christina Aguilera Attacked by Wild Dogs

The pop singer and judge on the singing show The Voice recently spent a week in a Los Angeles hospital recovering from a vicious dog attack which left her covered with bandages and a cast on her arm. Mariah Carey has claimed responsibility, and it is generally believed that she used her ultra-sonic singing abilities to summon a pack of stray dogs that numbered in the hundreds.

Ms. Carey was unrepentant during the short phone call I had with her this morning, and has promised additional attacks -- this time against the producers of The Voice -- unless they meet her demand that she replace Aguilera as a judge on the show. She commented, "I'm the queen of corporate bubblegum soul and everybody knows it. Christina co-opted my vocal style and got rich from it and never bothered to say thank you. I saw her at a party once and she totally snubbed me. I walked up to give her a compliment on her dress and she just turned and walked away. She wants to act like I don't exist. Well, I think I finally got her attention."

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