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Incredible Hulk Musical Goes Horribly Wrong
August 25, 2013 by General Strangeness
Producers of the off-off-Broadway musical Lonely Behemoth, which is based on The Incredible Hulk comic book character, have cancelled the show after the arrest of its star, Hank Forest, during the show's 2nd performance.
Forest, while portraying the muscle-bound, green-skinned Hulk, cut short his rendition of a romantic ballad and jumped unexpectedly into the crowd in response to the chorus of boos and heckles from the audience. Witnesses say he then flexed his muscles and roared threateningly, and strode up to a patron who had thrown a beer can onto the stage and shoved him backwards into several other standing audience members. This initiated a chaotic brawl which caused several injuries and resulted in Forest being taken to jail in handcuffs.
Authorities believe that the power smoothies the 32-year-old Forest was ingesting in preparation for his role contained a near-lethal combination of performance enhancing substances which caused him to become highly temperamental and delusional, explaining the actor's tendency to refer to himself as "Hulk" even when not on stage.
Hank's mother, Josephine, says the Hulk was her son's dream role. "He was a skinny kid who sang in the middle school choir, and he got picked on a lot. He used to tell me he wished he could turn into the Hulk and put the bullies in their place. Hank was so happy when he got this role in the musical, because he got to be the Hulk in real life, and also because it let him rediscover his love of singing. But then he started working out every day and drinking all that weird stuff, something went wrong upstairs and he started to really believe he was the Hulk."
Recently out on bail, Hank was asked about his plans for the future. He says he'd like to marry his girlfriend Jarella, who he doesn't seem to realize exists only within the pages of Marvel comics, unless some equally delusional girl can be persuaded to dye her skin green.
Windows 9 Leaves Users Perplexed
Fresh on the heels of its success with Windows 8, Microsoft released yet another version of its famous operating system last week with little promotion or fanfare. The reason for the hush-hush release quickly became apparent as the Internet exploded with complaints about Windows 9. The consensus seems to be that the new operating system is unnecessarily complicated and hard to use.
For instance, when logging in, users must suffer through a series of nine sign-in screens, each asking for a separate password. Users also find it extremely annoying that nine cursors appear on the user's screen simultaneously instead of the traditional one. When deleting a file the user is confronted with nine consecutive dialog boxes asking the user if they really want to delete the file. Windows 9 also includes a controversial new version of Internet Explorer, which comes with nine pre-installed third-party toolbars.
In the latest edition of the Word program, documents now have a nine character limit. Attempts to type more than nine characters in one document will result in the computer crashing, which will require the user to make nine visits to the computer repairman before the machine is functional again.
It has been suggested by some that Microsoft's in-house software developers may have been using LSD and listening to the Beatles' infamous recording "Revolution #9" while they were working on the latest version of Windows. We at Somebody's Webpage have attempted to contact Microsoft to verify this theory, but their automated phone system did not have an option for "talk to someone in charge." Oh well.
Clint Eastwood Gives Speech to Roomful of Empty Chairs
Clint Eastwood was recently found in the basement of Pasadena Community Center talking to a roomful of empty chairs. According to Eastwood, he had been invited there by the American Chair Rights Association for a special award ceremony in his honor. The event was meant as an expression of gratitude to the famous actor and director for including a chair on stage during his 2012 Republican National Convention speech. Eastwood says ACRA advocates the advancement of chair rights and the recognition of chairs as conscious entities.
Clint's demeanor ranged from lighthearted to emotional during his two hour speech, and he seemed to appreciate the chairs' applause which only he could hear. His presentation included an improvised song and dance routine, followed by an angry, tearful outburst about the evils of Obamacare, and then a long period of incoherent mumbling. After his speech Eastwood lingered in the aisles for an hour and talked with several chairs one on one. He would have stayed even longer but the custodian of the venue informed him he wasn't supposed to be there and had to leave.
Lance Armstrong Says Winning Isn't Everything
According to recent reports, Lance Armstrong has learned from his mistakes and turned over a new leaf. The once scandal-plagued cyclist says that after years of psychotherapy and t'ai chi, he no longer feels the need to win at all costs. Armstrong's best friends, Billy and Dwayne, have confirmed these claims, and say he has now gone to the other extreme and refuses to win in any type of situation at all.
Billy explained, "When we go bowling, he gets mostly gutter balls. He always loses a ton of money on poker night. We won't even let him play darts anymore. It's sad. Even his vegetarian ex-wife thinks he's turned into a wimp."
In a recent interview, Armstrong was asked if it still bothers him that he was stripped of his seven Tour de France titles. "No, I absolutely deserved to lose them. I didn't play by the rules. I was pretty sore about it at first, but now I've moved on with my life. I've realized there's more important things than winning races. It's enough for me just to be alive, to take a walk in the park on a warm spring day and smell the flowers and hear the birds chirping. The little things in life bring me so much joy now," he said as he wiped a tear from his eye.