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Interview with Fred from ISIS

July 3, 2017 by Herschel Macintosh

A phone rings In a large, bustling office.

HERSCHEL: Hello, Somebody's Webpage news tip line. This is Hersh.

FRED: You know that big explosion that occurred last week?

HERSCHEL: Which one?

FRED: All of them.

HERSCHEL: Yes, why? Do you have information about them?

FRED: My terror group, ISIS, would like to claim responsibility.

HERSCHEL: ISIS, wow! Listen, the stuff you guys do is really terrible, but thanks for calling. We appreciate your forthrightness.

FRED: My pleasure.

HERSCHEL: The name ISIS stands for Islamic State of Iraq and Syria. Is that correct?

FRED: No, actually it means Islamic State is Super-great.

HERSCHEL: That's very creative. Will there be more attacks?

FRED: Most definitely.

HERSCHEL: Look, uh... what's your name?

FRED: Fred.

HERSCHEL: OK, look Fred, the US has spend 15 years and trillions in tax dollars trying to fight groups like yours and yet you're killing more people than ever. What can we do to bring you guys to the table so we can stop all this senseless killing and destruction?

FRED: Very simple. All nations must adopt Islamic law and all other religions will be forbidden.

HERSCHEL: I see. Now, is it true that your group wants to force all women to wear burkas?

FRED: Not all of them, we will allow a few exceptions. Women like Maria Sharapova and Kate Upton should be allowed to wear whatever they wish. The guys here in the compound are very adamant about that.

HERSCHEL: Uh-huh. I don't think that will improve your status with women very much. Where is your compound located, by the way?

FRED: It's Cave 3, Route 32, West Afghanistan, zip code 22821. Why do you ask?

HERSCHEL: No reason. What are your living conditions there? Is it a difficult lifestyle?

FRED: No, not at all, it's very cozy. We have a giant flat-screen TV, a nice aquarium, shag carpeting, the whole nine yards, as you say.

HERSCHEL: Really? What kind of programs do you watch on your TV?

FRED: We like skateboarding competitions, also Happy Days and cooking shows are nice sometimes.

HERSCHEL: So, what else do you do there besides watch TV?

FRED: Well, our training is very important, of course. Mornings are devoted to combat training, marching, and sword twirling. In the afternoons we work on photoshoots and promotional videos. Sometimes we just take it easy and throw a frisbee around, it helps to relieve the tension, you know. Some of the guys are also working on recording a smooth jazz album.

HERSCHEL: That's surprising. Do they have a name for the album yet?

FRED: I believe the current working title is Islamic State of Mind by ISIS.

HERSCHEL: Fred, from what you've told me, it seems like you guys are a lot more down to earth than our western media has led people to believe. Except for all the killings and beheadings and suicide bombings, of course.

FRED: Oh yes, I know. The beheadings are a nasty business. We don't do those ourselves, we let the Blackwater people handle those kinds of things.

HERSCHEL: You... huh?

FRED: Oops, ha ha. I wasn't supposed to tell you that. Forget what I just said. Anyway, yes, it's true we do some not-very-nice things, but that doesn't mean we don't have feelings.  We ask that people keep us in their thoughts and prayers. That is all for now, I must go. We have a busy day of terror ahead of us still.

HERSCHEL: Well Fred, good luck and call back anytime.

FRED: I will, thanks. Goodbye.

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