Thurston Thornton: E.T. is not Our Friend

E.T. is not Our Friend

February 10, 2011

You all remember that cutesy film put together by director Stephen Spielberg -- who, in case you didn't know, has for decades been a special secret propaganda agent for the Democratic Party -- in which a small alien creature is "accidentally" left behind on earth when he gets separated from his exploration party.

During his brief stay on our planet, E.T. manipulates the emotions and beguiles the hearts of the children who get to know him. Then, he dramatically returns to his home after pulling the wool over the eyes of a bunch of idiotic scientists and government agents, every last one of whom was following directions from some incompetent Democratic congressman or other.

Ronald Reagan was president at the time, and if he had known about what was going on, I can guarantee you that he wouldn't have let E.T. slip away like that. He would have immediately understood that E.T. was doing reconnaissance in preparation for a massive, hostile extraterrestrial invasion of the earth.

Some films out there show aliens as our friends, others portray them as our enemies. Let me make something abundantly clear. Without exception, all aliens are our enemies. They are all evil and treacherous, every single last one of them. They all want to invade the earth and destroy everything that we cherish and hold dear, such as baseball, hot dogs, apple pie and Chevrolet. Not only that, but they hate Jesus, so they are one and all going to hell for all eternity.

You might be asking yourself, "Well, Thornton, how do you know this?" Look here, you bunch of America-hating doubters and alien-loving conspirators, it doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure these things out, although I certainly could have been one if I had wanted to.

How do I know? Well, I just open up my Bible, and there it is, plain as day and the nose on your face, in the Book of Revelations. But of course, since you are a lily-livered liberal who would rather read the Communist Manifesto than the Word of God Almighty, you haven't even bothered to check.

Some films show the whole world coming together in unity to confront the alien menace. In these movies, we are supposed to forget about how certain other countries had previously been our enemies so that we can defeat the extraterrestrial invaders.

This is pure fantasy. When the aliens launch their invasion, they will unite with America's foes to annihilate us. Even now they are secretly collaborating with them and making their villainous plans. And not a small number of those collaborators have infiltrated the highest levels of the United States government.

Let's get real, folks. First off, take a look at our alien president, Barack Hussein Osama. So, he was supposed to be born in Hawaii, but there is no evidence for that whatsoever except a supposedly authentic birth certificate that they claim was actually filed shortly after his birth.

Please, don't insult my intelligence. Unless I am transported back in time to the moment of his birth and can personally witness him emerging from between his mother's legs and can know with absolute certainty that I am in a Hawaiian hospital, I can't believe it. And even if I could go back in time, the whole thing would just be an elaborately staged deception, so in the final analysis, Barack Hussein Osama couldn't be born in Hawaii even if he was actually born there. I rest my case.

So, they speculate about where Barack Hussein Osama was truly born. Some say in Indonesia. Cold. How about Iran? Still cold. Okay, let's try Mars. You're getting warmer. Neptune? Warmer. Somewhere near Alpha Centauri? You're getting hot. The planet Osama, which orbits the giant red star Betelgeuse? Bingo. The answer is so obvious -- I'm amazed that nobody but me has been able to figure this one out so far.

They say that Betelgeuse is a dying star. Planet Osama is about to be destroyed by Betelgeuse, so they've got to relocate. Guess where they plan to go, and guess who they need to wipe out before migrating. If you love America, prepare to defend yourselves, people.

By the way, they all have seventy-five purple tentacles, three razor-sharp orange beaks, and one huge shining black eye in the center of their foreheads. That's what Barack Hussein Osama really looks like under his human suit, which he will shed the way a snake sheds its skin -- this will happen the moment the invasion hour strikes. And he'll do it live on national television, too, mark my words. It'll make your stomach churn when you see it, so be sure to have a light meal before you watch.

Barack Hussein Osama fulfills all the prophecies regarding the Anti-Christ, and also fits in with the 2012 stuff and the visions of Nostradamus. Evidence for his sudden rise to power can be found in the symbols on a dollar bill and in secret Masonic writings. And to top it all off, like I said, he has tentacles and beaks, and just in case you didn't know, his skin secretes highly acidic florescent green gelatinous goo that can dissolve steel. Plus he lays a clutch of thousands of bright pink eggs every thirteen days. So, you can see how everything is coming together these days for the Evil Prince of Darkness. The end times are near, folks. Are you ready?

Besides our impostor president, who else are the aliens scheming with right this very moment? I'll tell you who: the entire Democratic Party and most of the Republican Party as well, Obama bin Laden and his terrorist pals, Russia, China, North Korea, and San Francisco, particularly the Haight-Ashbury district, which has always been a deadly nest of subversive thought. Even now they are reading your thoughts via a computer chip inserted into your brain through your left nostril as you slept.

You might remove it by vigorously nodding your head up and down for ten consecutive hours. I did that the other day and managed to shake the chip out of my brain. It went down my esophagus and into my stomach and digestive tract, from where it was naturally eliminated into the toilet.

Friends, I don't know what else to say. Most of you cannot be trusted. Many of you may have already had your bodies snatched and don't even know it. Do not go outside. Stay away from windows. Don't drink the tap water. I'm telling you, at any moment, the spaceships could start to descend out of the sky. When I hear Mr. Twinkle barking at something, sometimes I wonder if the invasion has already begun, but that time it turned out to just be a squirrel, thank God.