Golden Nuggets of Wisdom

October 25, 2010

With the passing of the years, I have grown in knowledge and sagacity. As my waistline has expanded, so too has my abundant storehouse of seasoned advice and hard-won experience. If you are wet behind the ears, and think that you know everything, I've got news for you -- you don't know a damned thing, you pathetic, weak, spineless, steaming pile of barnyard bull droppings. Listen to me, learn from my expert guidance, and you just might avoid a fate worse than death, which would be taking a yoga class.

Avoid fresh fruits and vegetables like the plague -- that stuff can kill you -- and whenever you can, eat something covered in melted cheese or with a white cream filling. That's the kind of food that enriches your blood. Feel free to sit down in front of the television and eat a whole pint of ice cream right out of the carton in one sitting. Ice cream is rich in calcium and will keep your bones strong. Drink plenty of Cutty Sark, and go ahead and smoke all the pipe tobacco you like. You'll develop a robust and resonant voice that way. I recommend my favorite brand, Chief Hockaloogie.

Stay away from women because they always have a hidden agenda, and trust me, you won't want to find out what it is. It probably has something to do with getting you to be more sensitive and caring. What kind of country would we have if all American men were sensitive and caring? I shudder at the very thought of it.

Don't tell me that something is just my opinion. If it wasn't completely true, I wouldn't say it. Are you calling me a liar? No? Well then, shut your trap. What's that? You're leaving? Well, good riddance. Some people just can't handle a good debate.

I don't believe in heart attacks. What is doing the attacking? I've asked doctors that, and all they can tell me is a bunch of pseudo-scientific mumbo jumbo. Look here, sometimes your ticker just gets tired and it's time for eternal rest. It doesn't have one damn thing to do with anything else. When the Lord calls you, your time is up, period.

I believe in things unseen. I'm certain that there is a hidden spiritual realm that surrounds me on all sides, and from which I draw sacred power. Too bad that doesn't apply in your case.

What is this thing that they call road rage? If you honk at me or shoot me a bird when I'm driving, I could care less. I'll just follow you home, write down your address on a slip of paper, look up your name on the Internet, and add you to my list of people who will be thrown into prison once the present communist regime has been overthrown by the forces of freedom. No sir, road rage is not for me.

The old saying goes that children should be seen and not heard. I'd take it a step further. I don't want to look at them, either.

There is no point in dwelling on the past or in worrying about the future. Yesterday is gone, tomorrow isn't here yet, and today has planted its steel-tipped boot right square in your sorry keister. See if you can make it to the end of the day without making a complete fool of yourself.

In politics, there is only one true guiding principle. If it involves massive explosions, widespread death, and global dominance, it is good for the nation. Everything else is a waste of taxpayer revenue.

You shouldn't care what other people think about you. What have they ever done for you? Nothing! Would they care if you got flattened by a steamroller? No! They'd probably say to each other, "Hey, he got run over by a steamroller! I saw a picture of it online! He looked like a frigging bloody pancake!" Then, they'd talk about how they never really liked you. And quite frankly, I can't say that I'd really blame them for doing that.

Go ahead and pray, but don't bother praying for me. I've got a high-speed broadband connection to Jesus, so I don't need your help. Also, you're not welcome to sign on to my prayer network, if you know what I mean. I have a secure connection with the Almighty.

At heart, most people are filled with darkness. Adam and Eve sinned in the Garden of Eden, and because of that we are all possessed by the serpent. Only Jesus can save us from original sin, and he will only do this if we love America and are willing to invade terrorist countries that have a lot of oil. Then, we will be filled with heavenly light as we rain death and destruction upon people who live far away and don't believe in Christ or speak English.

There's never a reason to be sad about anything. If you ever catch yourself starting to feel sad, just remember that someone else is to blame for that. Well, then again, in your case, it's probably your own damned fault. So, I take that back. But as for me, I never feel bad about anything I've ever done or left undone. Of course, I don't expect you to be able to match up with my standard. You might get there after thirty or forty years, if you're lucky and really apply yourself.

Humility is overrated. What has made this nation great is pride. We should be proud to be the strongest and greatest nation on earth. So, don't go telling me that pride is one of the seven deadly sins. You know, I'm starting to wonder if you're as Christian as you claim to be. I'll tell you what a deadly sin is, and that's being ashamed of this country. The only thing I'm ashamed of is you, because you are ruining America with your terrorist-friendly attitude. So, blessed are the meek, you say. You don't even know what the word "meek" means. You think it means some long-haired pot-smoking pacifist hippie out in California. Wrong! It means that you're ready to fight, kill, and die for America. Get your facts straight, son. Jesus Christ himself would get a crew cut and a clean shave and serve in the United States Army, if only the Lord Almighty would allow it.

I'm not afraid of death. When I die, I'll go to heaven, guaranteed. You see, I've figured it all out -- I've got a foolproof plan. That's because I'm smart and know what I'm doing, unlike you. I kind of feel sorry for you, knowing that you'll be roasting eternally in the midst of sulfuric flames and brimstone while Satan pokes you in the rump a gazillion times with his pitchfork. That's what you get for voting Democrat.

I don't particularly care about other people. Nobody really cares about me, so why should I care about anyone else? People criticize me, but I don't hear it. I don't have time for that. You know, I would save the world and set everyone straight if they would just let me. But what thanks do I get? Abuse! Disrespect! Idiocy! I'd like to set everything right, but in every direction all I find is resistance to my methods. Alright, fine. You want to go to hell in a hand basket, be my guest. But don't come crying to me when your cockamamie little world falls to pieces. I'll just say that I told you so. And get off my property, trespassers will be shot.

Well, that's about it for my golden nuggets of wisdom for this time around. But be patient, my dear readers. More will be forthcoming at a future date.

Copyright 2010 by Somebody's Webpage