Scottish television personality and world-class chef Gordon Ramsey was on hand at the premiere of The Kilt, his newest restaurant, which opened earlier this month in Glastonbury. As usual, Ramsay was in a foul mood as the press moved in on him, asking dozens of questions. When asked why he was serving the customers their food in cardboard packaging, the chef replied, “What’s the blasted point in taking the stuff out of the package? Christ, it’s already in there, you heat it up, you put it on the table, viola.” Ramsay said he didn’t particularly care which brand of frozen food he used, be it Swanson Hungry Man, Weight Watchers, or Stouffer’s, among others.

“When the big scandal broke some time ago,” he explained, “and I was accused of serving frozen dinners, I figured bloody hell and bollocks, I ought to come clean and put an end to the whole game of charades. So, there you have it. And if you don’t like it, go spend your flipping money somewhere else, what do I care.” When asked why customers should bother to eat at The Kilt when they could just go ahead and buy the frozen dinners at the supermarket and eat them at home, Ramsay retorted, “Because I’m Gordon-freaking-Ramsay, that’s why!” He then grabbed the reporter’s microphone, threw it off the restaurant balcony and over the chalk cliff into the frigid and churning Scottish sea below. A few hours later, Ramsay’s lawyer provided the reporter with a replacement microphone of equal value.

Casey Anthony Working at Hooters

This is a news flash and exclusive to Somebody’s Webpage. That’s right, Somebody’s Webpage, the only place where you can get crucial updated information on Casey Anthony’s actual whereabouts. Not even Nancy Grace can give you that, so don’t forget it. So, where is Casey Anthony working now? Answer? At a Hooters restaurant in Boca Raton, Florida, that’s where, and under an assumed name: Angela Andrews. She’s even got a fake driver’s license with the phony name on it, but it’s her, folks, it’s definitely her. And she’s had a massive nose job and has dyed her hair bright blonde, but again, make no mistake. It’s Tot Mom herself, in the flesh. After one of her recent shifts at the restaurant, the so-called Angela Andrews was seen at the local nightclub dancing it up with a guy named Raoul and tossing back quite a few at the bar. At around 2:30 am, she threw up on the floor and was escorted out of the club by a bouncer, who called a taxi cab for her. Our onsite reporter for Somebody’s Webpage in Boca Raton, Kurt Larson, followed her taxi to the Mountain Meadows apartment complex, but was unable to determine which apartment number is hers. Stay tuned for our sizzling follow-up on this fascinating developing story.

Jersey Shore to Be Relocated to Central Kansas

Citing concerns about declining viewer ratings, the producers of former hit reality TV show Jersey Shore announced last Thursday that the cast and production crew would be relocating to a small, nondescript town of about 150 residents in central Kansas called Willoughby. “It used to have a train depot,” said Gunther Erikson, mayor and postmaster of Willoughby for the last forty years, “but they shut down the line back in ’65.” Today, Willoughby is known for its rusty grain elevator with a large painted picture of a rooster on the side, and for farmer Fred Hanson’s five Holstein cows.

During the great tornado outbreak of 1973, Willoughby’s only supermarket was razed to the ground and has yet to be replaced. Since Fred’s wife died of septic shock last year, he has made no bones about his desire to find a replacement for her, and it is hoped that Snooki might fit the bill. “We think that the change of location will rejuvenate the show in the big way,” said a member of the production staff who prefers to remain anonymous.  “Plus, we can really save some serious money filming out in rural Kansas. You know how it is these days, the bottom line is everything.”

Adele to Record with Devo

British singing sensation Adele has recently shocked the music establishment by announcing an upcoming collaboration with Mark Mothersbaugh of freak-out pop group Devo, known for the quirky 1980s smash hit “Whip It.” “I’ve always been a closet Devo fan,” confessed Adele, “and now that I’ll be working with Mark and his group, I’ll finally be able to let my techno-geek side come out.” Mothersbaugh was reluctant to comment on the upcoming recording project, but did remark that Adele would be expected to perform in a music video “wearing our signature bright-red energy dome hat.” The current working title for the album is Oh No! It’s Adelvo! 

Nicki Minaj to Star in Remake of Sybil

You might remember that very odd and disturbing film from the 1970s featuring Sally Field as Sybil, the woman with thousands of multiple personalities. Well, the time has come to remake that one with superstar rapper Nicki Minaj in the starring role. “I’m just, you know, totally psyched about doing this film, because you know I’ve got my flow going and all, and hold on a minute, I got a text coming in, wait a sec.” When asked how she was planning to prepare for the role, Minaj replied, “Look, I was fired from Red Lobster a couple of years ago. That’s all the preparation I need.” The new movie is going to be set in Beverly Hills in the present day, and Minaj will simply play herself instead of a fictional character.

iPhone 5 Has Serious Deletion Glitch

Several thousand users of the new iPhone 5 have complained that the apparatus deletes all of the phone’s contact information if the volume control button is pressed three times in rapid succession. Evidently, this can happen whether you do it intentionally or not. Here at Somebody’s Webpage, we stand by our journalistic integrity, and never pass out misleading information to the public. So, with that in mind, please copy this paragraph, paste it into an e-mail, send it to twenty people you know, and ask them to send it to twenty people they know, so that everyone who owns the iPhone 5 won’t lose their precious contact information.

Hunger Games Television Reality Show to Be Filmed
in Sub-Saharan Africa

Opting for a tangential spinoff on the Hunger Games movie, NBC recently announced that it would film the Hunger Games television reality show in an as-yet-unidentified sub-Saharan African country. “We wanted to go somewhere where there was real, honest-to-God famine, not just make up some futuristic stuff about something that might happen in the United States,” explained an executive producer who prefers not to reveal her name since, “when this fails, which I’m pretty sure it will, I don’t want anyone to know that I was ever involved with it.” For the first episode, NBC plans to drop a large package of McDonald’s cheeseburgers next to thousands of refugee tents, then film the ensuing melee.

God Particle Discovered in Nerd’s Basement

In spite of the trillions of dollars spent on gargantuan particle colliders all over the world, it appears that the long-sought-after Higgs Boson, commonly known as the God particle, has finally been discovered in the ultra-low-budget basement laboratory of a nerd. Mark Hermann of Schenectady, New York, an eleventh grader at Feldspar High School, found the elusive particle when he set up a refractory reverse-osmosis hypothermic regeneration plasma tube. This was done by inverting the polarity of -- oh, what the heck, that’s enough. Mark said that he was extremely pleased to have discovered the Higgs Boson, since “I’ve kind of exponentially increased my chances of getting a date to the prom with the head cheerleader if you know what I’m saying, since she knows big time that I’m going to be rich.”

Wildfires Rage Out of Control throughout the World

Owing to the very hot summer and prevalent dry conditions throughout the planet, everything is on fire. Thick smoke is in the air, and airborne embers are causing fresh conflagrations everywhere. There aren’t enough firefighters, airplanes, and water to put them all out. Therefore, everyone should dig deep holes in the ground and hide for several millennia until the ice age arrives. Sell everything you own, and buy fifty-years-worth of canned goods. Learn to cook with a small Thermo camp stove. Read the Tibetan Book of the Dead several times until you “get it.” Take up yoga. Don’t eat ice from your refrigerator, since it could have baby cockroach eggs inside of it.

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