TERMS AND CONDITIONS (SECTION 1)
You must read and agree to the following terms and conditions, as set forth by our team of legal advisors. It is a work in progress, and we are told that the finished document will be quite lengthy, so we will be posting the sections seperately as they are completed. We urge you to check back frequently so you can stay up to date with the latest legal twists and turns which may impact our readers in unexpected ways.
TERMS AND CONDITIONS
THE LEGAL AGREEMENTS SET OUT BELOW ArE BETWEEN YOU AND THE DEITY OR MAGICAL FAIRY OF YOUR CHOICE AND GOVERN the MANNER IN WHICH YOU VIEW THE WEBSITE "SOMEBODY'S WEBPAGE," INTERPRET IT, AND CONSUME THE CONTENT THEREIN , AND THE DEGREE TO WHICH YOU INFLICT RADICAL CHAOS ONTO THE WORLD aROUND YOU AS A RESULT OF THIS CONSUMPTION. TO AGREE to THESE TERMS, CLICK "AGREE." If you DO NOT AGREE TO THESE TERMS, DO NOT CLICK "AGREE." THEse TERMS APPLY WITHOUT PREJUDICE TO PEOPLE WHO ARE BALDING OR UNEMPLOYED, BUT EVERYBODY ELSE IS UNDER SUSPICION, AND WILL PROBABLY NOT RECIEVE AN INVITATION TO THE GENERAL'S "PARANOIA ON ROLLERSKATES" MEETUP GROUP.
FIRSTLY, you agree that IF, as a result of viewing this website, you decide to climb down into a manhole and explore the sewer, you will look for my friend Dave and ask him for the $100 bucks he still owes me from that poker game in 1985. I'm pretty sure he lives down there. You agree not to remove the wheel from your neighbor's BMW and roll it down the street for no reason. Our formalwear division, Uptown Style, may charge you any late fees associated with your tuxedo rental account and for any pizzas that may be ordered without your knowledge. Your credit card issuer may impose additional fees if you sneak into an amusement park after hours and take unauthorized rides on the ferris wheel with your mannequin girlfriend. You are responsible for the timely passage of sand through the hourglass, and for any lawsuits resulting from the unintentional melting of witches or the destruction of robots dressed like cowboys. Your donations to the salvation army will help provide food and shelter for the needy, which includes the editorial staff of this website.
MOREOVER, all sales of swimming pools are final and refunds will not be issued because of leaks, lightning fatalities, or crocodile infestations. Contact Henry the pool guy for more information. Prices of shoes may change at any time, so you should always buy as many as possible. It is not necessary or helpful to wear matching shoes. Each foot needs to have its own personality. Shoe stores do not provide price protection or refunds in the event of hurricanes. When returning a pair of shoes, always make sure they match. Never attempt to get your burning pop tart out of a toaster with a fork, and don't let go of the string when you're flying a kite, especially if it belongs to your six-year-old nephew. If a sought-after situation becomes unavailable due to it's non-existence, your sole remedy is to retreat into a world of delusion. If an unwanted situation becomes your reality, just chill out and listen to some tunes for a while.
WHEREAS PARAGRAPH 382(c) OF THESE TERMS AND CONDITIONS MEETS THE REQUIREMENTS OF THIS PARAGRAPH WITH RESPECT TO ANCIENT MALFUNCTIONING DOT MATRIX PRINTERS, YOUR PARENTS' WASHING MACHINE REPAIR MAN HAS cONDUCTED A THOROUGH ZODIAC COMPATABILITY ASSESSMENT WHICH MEETS THE REQUIREMENTS OF suBPARAGRAPH (B) and EXPLAINs Why THE TRICYCLE BEHIND THE GREEN OUTHOUSE WAS STOLEN BY LIBERACE TO TRANSPORT ICE CUBES TO THE ALIENS (WE HAVE PHOTOS), AND HAS PURSUADED YOUR NEIGHBORS TO ADOBT A PERPETUAL BLOCK PARTY STRATEGY TO MEET THE COMMUNITY GASTRONOMICAL AND SOCIAL NEEDS IDENTIFIED THROUGH SUCH ASSESSMENT. INANIMATE OBJECTS MEET THE REQUIREMENTS of THIS PARAGRAPH AS LONG AS SUCH OBJECTS REMAIN STATIONARY AND HAVE NOT PARTICATED IN ACTS OF AGGRESSION such as FLYING THROUGH THE AIR AND STRIKING RANDOM PEOPLE IN THE HEAD. TO BE CLEAR, THIS DOES NOT OCCUR VERY OFTEN, AS MOST INANIMATE OBJECTS ARE KNOWN TO BE BENEFICIAL CONTRIBUTORS TO SOCIETY and LOYAL SUPPORTERS OF EVERYTHING IN GENERAL. THIS CONCLUDES THIS PARAGRAPH.
In general, be advised that the western world is too focused on material acquisition, social acceptance, and the pursuit of superficial sensory pleasures. If you want to rise above the chaos of your earthly existence, you must detach from the conformity of society and set off on a path of self-discovery and introspection, as described by Sting in the Police song, "Secret Journey." The result of this journey is that you will be a holy person, a status that brings lots of perks like getting discounts at restaurants and free roadside assistance, in addition to increased mental sharpness and the ability to solve math problems without a calculator. Sometimes when you've been walking for weeks or months on your secret journey you start to question reality and get really thirsty. In such a case it is permissible to drink water from nearby streams, seek temporary shelter in buildings, and obtain free food at wedding receptions or other similar events. However, in the last case, do not attempt to interact with the bride or groom, and if you're not gone when the clock strikes midnight, the scene will revert to actual reality and you will find yourself curled up on the floor of your jail cell.
You find yourself nodding in agreement to these Terms and Conditions, even though you may not understand them. You have a pleasant feeling of deep relaxation. Your understanding will be slow in materializing, and could dramatically alter your color perception and make you laugh at inappropriate moments. Thusly, your only goals in life should be (A) to walk into the nearest jewelry store dressed like a pirate and ask the manager where the treasure is hidden. (B) Learn ten different languages and use them alternately at parties and on first dates. Each word you speak should be in a different language from the last. If you haven't learned ten languages yet, use nonsense words instead. Fake it 'til you make it. (C) When applying for a job, take a box of chocolates with you and offer one to the interviewer while pretending to be Forrest Gump. (D) When you get in an elevator, always follow the advice of Prince and punch the highest floor and see what's up there. Your destiny awaits. It doesn't matter if your car is parked in the basement. You can go back down later.
FURTHERMORE, by reading content on our site, you agree to offer assistance and lodging to local geese displaced by ongoing trombone concerts at the municipal gazebo. Assistance may be offered in the form of bread crumbs, money, cell phones, financial advice, or small firearms. The following policies are recommended by our European Advisory Board: (A) Finicky lavender giraffe utilization agreement which includes - (i) stumbling down stairwells in abandoned office buildings while the clocks are going backwards and looking for a cereal box with a prize in it, (ii) a good faith attempt to guess the square root of your uncle's moon weight while three blind mice chase the farmer's wife, (iii) quasi-pseudo method for catapulting economic platitudes which highlight the recent increase in yacht sales and smugness, (iv) a suitcase full of fun to be exchanged for your mystery assemblage in scenarios where fake looking birds are visible in the farthest regions of the transparent shoe jungle -- for more information contact Herbie (v) Extended stay lodging with continental breakfast and free cable TV provided for all medalists in the apathy olympics. (B) A boogie down ordinance requiring lawmakers to conduct their business while busting a series of enthusiastic dance moves, and providing care for emergency medical conditions resulting from said activity (within the meaning of section 1867 of the Social Security Act (42 U.S.C. 1395dd)) to individuals depending on their worthiness under the assessment policy described in subparagraph (A).
(5) A space-traveling individual meets the requirements of this paragraph if the person - (A) limits amounts of cheddar cheese consumption to 15 tons per week and aids in the programming of robots to provide dandelions and blimp rides to all junk hoarders described in paragraph (4A) and (B) tends to inhabit giant cubical structures with minimalist decor while resisting the bulldozing efforts of misguided waterfowl who prefer the neon rococo style and (C) frequently performs half hour parallel bar routines while whistling the Star Wars soundtrack and reciting random Lewis Grizzard quotes. (6) High diving and telemarketing team requirements: transient astronauts who perform magic tricks for the enjoyment of blue-haired ladies are only liable for a total eclipse of the heart when aspiring fruit vendors on skateboards juggle work and family life, disrupting traffic and cheese soufflés across the metropolitan era. Refreshments provided to giant dinosaurs under sub-section 32-Z will be delivered by freighter ship every Saturday and soothing music should be played to aid the digestion process and ensure ongoing tranquility in the region. Reasonable efforts to determine whether the moon is made of sawdust may be supplemented with documentaries about the secret lives of antique dolls and the political ambitions their salamander friends. (7g) Regulatory addendum: The Secretary shall issue jars, which may be necessary for the catching of fireflies, along with guidance relating to what constitutes the meaning of life to determine the eligibility of a constituent for purposes of a retroactive happy childhood (6). (s) Cross reference P-12 deluxe: For nonexemption of communist-looking individuals, see section 11(b) of the Internal Security Act of 1950 (64 Stat. 997; 50 U.S.C. 790(b)).
THIS CONCLUDES SECTION 1 OF the TERMS AND CONDITIONS. You may address any questions or concerns you have in the comment section below.
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