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Colin Kaepernick Stands for Russian National Anthem

August 5, 2017 by General Strangeness

NFL Football star Colin Kaepernick, notorious for his refusal to stand during the American National Anthem, was recently seen standing for the Russian National Anthem at a party in Trump Tower. When asked why he was willing to stand and put his hand over his heart for the Russian tune and not the American one, Kaepernick responded: “Get out of my way, dude.” The party was hosted by Vladimir Rasputin, third cousin twice removed of Russian President Vladimir Putin, and rumored to be dating one of Rex Tillerson’s grand-nieces.

Colin Kaepernick

Somebody’s Webpage reporter Bob Bobbitt was able to gain access to the party by pretending to be the new TV-commercial spokesman from Sprint, who used to be the TV-commercial spokesman for Verizon. All it took was a pair of black-rimmed glasses. When Bob attempted to ask Kaepernick another question, the latter’s girlfriend slapped him in the face, knocking his black-rimmed glasses into a punchbowl filled with bright red Kool-Aid and spiked with MD-20/20. Vladimir Rasputin played the anthem while images of the late George Michael flashed by on a massive flat-screen TV. Kanye West was also there, and allegedly told Bob: “You betrayed Verizon. You’re a real Benedict Arnold.” It was a rough night for Bob. A life-sized cardboard cutout of Donald Trump, salvaged from the Trump University days, greeted party attendees at the door.

Jabba the Hutt Movie Slated to Follow Up Rogue One

After the solid success of the Disney-produced Star Wars spinoff movie Rogue One, which fills in the backstory about the weakness in the Death Star which allowed Luke Skywalker to destroy it, the film division of the company announced that it had in the works yet another backstory epic entitled Jabba the Hutt. This picture, scheduled for release in early 2018, traces the origins of the nefarious character who appeared in the third installment of the original Star Wars trilogy, beginning with his hatching from an enormous egg in a steamy swamp, up to his enslavement of Princess Leia and ignominious chain-choking death at her hands. The actor who played Barney the Dinosaur will be in costume for Jabba in his adult years, while the hatchling Jabba will be represented by Paul Reubens of Pee-Wee Herman fame. Jabba’s voice will be performed by the dude who used to do fuzzy red puppet Elmo’s voice for Sesame Street before he got in hot water for [deleted by webpage Editor since this is a family-friendly site]. “The guy has enormous vocal range,” commented a Disney studio executive, who spoke on condition of anonymity. “With Elmo we heard the squeaky falsetto range, but with his Jabba voice, we get the other end of the spectrum.” In the upcoming film, we’ll witness Jabba’s gradual descent into heartless evil, driven by a humiliating eating disorder that he finally learned to embrace through the power of the dark side.

Now You Can Experience Reality Virtually
Man standing downtown with virtual reality goggles

It was only a matter of time before someone thought this up. Japanese software company Hirohito announced last month the release of the Hello World System. Sold at a rock bottom bargain price in comparison to other virtual reality software systems, the new program allows you to experience everything you normally do on a typical day, but instead rendered in a pixelated format. So, as you watch the television, you can do so through large, heavy, sweaty, and uncomfortable goggles. When you try to kiss your wife, you can see her rendered as a somewhat cartoony character. When you eat your breakfast, you should be careful not to splatter juice on the goggles, or you could receive a painful electrical shock. At this time, the company’s legal team is in touch with the California Department of Transportation to see if the system’s users can legally operate motor vehicles while wearing virtual reality goggles.

Bundy Brothers Drive Protestors from Standing Rock

The Bundy brothers, who bravely led an armed takeover of a federal bird sanctuary in Oregon in order to stand up for the white man's indisputable right to take reckless and patently illegal actions for which minorities doing the same would be blown to pieces, once again demonstrated their gloriously patriotic dedication by showing up at the Standing Rock pipeline standoff in North Dakota, and assisting the local authorities in their efforts to expel from the area the last remaining stragglers from among the protest crowd. "Those damned Indians and Indian lovers are standing in the way of progress," quipped one of the Bundy siblings. "They have no right to take control of property that doesn't belong to them." When asked why the Bundy claim to Oregon land was more legitimate than the indigenous American claim to Standing Rock, the other brother responded, "How'd you like me to plant my steel-tipped boot in your backside, you sorry…" Yep, you don't mess with those Bundy brothers. After all, this is America, and it's their country, but not necessarily yours, depending on who you are. Thank you, Bundy brothers, for keeping the federal government in check.

Fast Food Ordering App is All The Rage

Cramcorp, Inc. of Patterson, New Jersey last month released to the public their Stuff'd app for mobile phones. The app, which requires users to set up accounts with a valid credit card, automatically orders fast food at specified times from selected restaurants featuring delivery services. It includes a GPS tracking device, so that the food is always delivered to wherever the user may be, whether in a private home, at a football game, in a county jail, in the operating room at a hospital, or stuck in traffic during rush hour. Stuff'd has proven to be enormously popular during its relatively short existence, with an average of over one hundred and eighty billion new users every day since the product's debut.

A fast food sandwich with curly fries

The app's success has put enormous pressure on participating fast-food companies to invest in high-speed drone delivery systems. Drones from these systems are anticipated to cloud the skies like a swarm of mosquitos and be sucked into the jet engines of planes from time to time, leading to widespread loss of life and massive lawsuits. But that's thought to be a minor consideration in comparison to the enormous wealth expected to be generated for elite investors. A recent study showed that Stuff'd users typically gain twenty pounds the first week after activating the app.

Sia's Dark Secret Exposed

The true reason for Sia Furler's long hair over her eyes has finally been revealed. According to her ex-best friend Gertrudis Schrader, former bass player for Berlin new-wave rave band Mein Zipper, Furler had an enormous pimple on her chin that she refused to pop. "Actually, she grew quite attached to it, and called it Bruce," noted Schrader. "She had conversations with it, and told Bruce all about her relationship struggles. So, you can of course understand that she did not want to extrude her dear confidant, Bruce." Schrader is currently serving lattes at a Starbuck's in Dusseldorf.

Trump Inauguration Turnout Proven to be the Largest Ever

According to Somebody's Webpage contributor Thurston Thornton, the inauguration of Donald Trump had by far more attendees than any American inauguration in recorded history. Thornton himself was present at the event, and when asked by webpage editor Somebody what evidence he can provide to substantiate that claim, responded: "I was there, and there was a lot of people, so shut your pie hole, America hater!" As Thornton remains Somebody's landlord, our webpage editor wisely decided to keep him on staff. Thornton then explained that he had received top-secret clearance from the Trump administration, and that he had pledged his loyalty to the President. "I know things that people like you couldn't handle. So, I know how to keep my mouth shut. But just allow me to say this. The main reason the inauguration crowd was the largest of all time is because the President says so. Loyalty to him is loyalty to the United States of America, because he is the captain at the helm. Are you a traitor to your country? If not, then obey and don't ask stupid questions." Thurston recently expanded his real estate holdings after receiving additional funds from a mysterious source. Details are scarce, but a bottle of authentic Russian vodka wrapped in a red ribbon did arrive at his doorstep a few days ago. Upon closer inspection, it was seen to have a small card attached to it that simply read, "From Sergei." Fortunately, Thurston wasn't in his house at the time with his bee-bee gun while Somebody Else was snooping around on his front porch, inspecting the unusual package that had just arrived.

Retailers Look Forward to Increased Black Friday Spending
Black Friday crowd in store

As retail stores across the country continue to struggle to stay afloat, the National Association of Retail Conglomerates (NARC) proclaimed last Wednesday that from here on out, each Friday of every week is now Black Friday, thereby no longer limiting the Black Friday concept to the day immediately following Thanksgiving. "This is the solution we've been looking for," remarked NARC President, Founder, Chief Secretary, and Treasurer Percy Finkelstein. "Imagine millions of people lining up outside of retail stores every Friday morning at two a.m. I'm telling you, this is going to be a miraculous shot in the arm for the economy." When asked how retailers expected to get millions of people to do that every Friday in the wee hours of the morning, especially considering how many people typically are scheduled to work on Fridays, Finkelstein replied, "We haven't quite worked that part out yet, but considering the economic imperative involved, we're confident that a solution will soon be forthcoming." Among the options being considered is a nationwide fifty-percent discount on Red Bull drinks on Fridays between the hours of midnight and six a.m.

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