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Donald Trump is America's Savior

October 20, 2016

It seems that nobody saw it coming, even though Donald Trump had been in the public spotlight for years. Sure, he’d had his TV show, The Apprentice, where we got to see him hire and fire people, where he stuck it to the pathetic and laughable losers and praised the awesome and glorious winners. Over the decades, we’d seen him build up his spectacular real estate empire, constructed on the rock-solid foundation of his steely determination, uncommon business savvy, finely-honed killer instincts, astonishing capacity for taking well-calculated risks, excellent legal team totally dedicated to resolving all civil suits in his favor, and, well, let’s just say it, all-around superiority as a man’s man, as Mr. Number One, as the best of the best, as a macho man with enough hair on his chest for a shag carpet, as the king of all winners and God’s holy scourge to all losers. But hardly anyone out there gave him a snowball’s chance in hell of mounting much of a campaign. After all, he was just supposed to be a private-sector businessman and entertainment mogul of sorts, right? Wasn’t his presidential campaign just going to be a way to get some free publicity for his brand? Wasn’t ultra-low-energy Jeb Bush supposed to walk away halfway awake with the Republican nomination?

Listen here, you media-brainwashed loser. Looks like you drank the Kool-Aid that Obama and his evil minions supplied you with. It’s time to wake up and smell the coffee. It’s a man’s world, as James Brown sang, and Donald Trump is the epitome of manly manliness. He’s bullet-proof, just like Superman himself. He’s married sexy women from European countries. I’ll bet you’ve never done that, much less even ever had a date with anyone a tenth as good-looking as Melania Trump. Maybe you’ve ogled some fine women on one of those Russian dating websites, but that doesn’t count. He’s got his own hairstyle that nobody, and I mean nobody, will ever, ever, ever be able to equal. His cologne smells infinitely better than that cheap crap you picked up at K-Mart. He wears real Italian suits while you buy yours at JC Penny’s. The time has come for you to know your newest corporate and presidential master, Donald Trump, the man who is destined to grab your underwear and give you the most powerful wedgie you’ve ever experienced in your life. And when it finally happens, just remember that you deserve it for being the lousy loser that you are. It’s not bullying when you get what was coming to you for being such a dweeb and an easy target, so don’t you ever forget it. You thought that Trump didn’t have a chance, but in reality it was you who never had a chance to be a part of the Donald’s revolutionary movement of patriotic greatness, to restore America to its former wondrous gloriousness. And since you are on the wrong side of history, you will be rounded up and sent to live with the rest of the losers in deportation camps that will be set up shortly after he has won the election.

Donald, the savior of America

So, why exactly is Trump the most qualified person to be President of the United States of America? I’ll tell you why. First and foremost, because he’s loaded. He’s rich. He’s got gobs and gobs of moolah. And he earned it the true-blooded American way, which is by being tough and rough and having lots of guts, by doing what has to be done to get what you’ve got to get, by busting the rules and being a maverick and rising to the top with ruthless intensity, by mowing down the competition, by not letting anything stupid and inconsequential like a namby-pamby conscience or limp-wristed ethics or people’s whiny tender feelings or idiotic tree-hugging ideas about justice and fairness stand in his way. And getting a big fat seed loan from his dad didn’t hurt, either.

Here’s the deal, folks. If it’s technically legal, then you can do it. Plain and simple. Everything else is just a waste of time and he’s not going to listen to it, not even for one second, he’ll just get up and walk away. That’s been his bedrock principle for his entire career as a businessman, and that’s why he’s been a smashing success at everything he’s ever done, because he went ahead and did with complete gusto and enthusiasm those things that everyone else cringed at since they supposedly wouldn’t be able to live with themselves afterwards. And that’s why he must lead the US of A, because our country is the biggest corporation in the world, and we need a top-notch CEO unburdened by any debilitating notions of mercy and compassion and rational thinking to run it. The world is a completely ruthless and unfair place, and the United States needs to beat the stuffing out of anyone that gets in our way, because we’re number one, the greatest nation on earth, the lords and masters of all other nations, which must be forced at the tips of countless thermonuclear warheads to grovel at our feet for all eternity. We need Trump the way a neck needs a hickey, the way a dog needs a choke-chain, the way a puppet needs a hand shoved up inside of it. The time to submit is now.

Should you have any doubts in this matter, do take a moment to consider Trump’s opponent, Lady Macbeth herself, Hillary Rodham Clinton, the most sinister and villainous creature to ever slither out of the pits of hell. Why is she so bad, you ask? Ah, where to begin, where to begin. I am writing about the savior of America here, the great Trump, so I am loath to digress from my cherished main topic. But here goes. Number one, Hillary Clinton is a WOMAN. Wake up folks. The presidency of the United States is for MEN ONLY. That right there should be enough. It’s also just for AMERICAN BORN CITIZENS, which Obama is NOT, as Trump himself has pointed out for years. But again, I digress, I digress. Number two, Hillary Clinton called the Trans Pacific Partnership (TPP) the “gold standard” of trade deals before she decided it would be politically expedient for her to oppose it, while the Donald has OPPOSED IT FROM THE BEGINNING. Actually, I must confess that the TPP is even better than NAFTA, since it puts even more money in the pockets of our corporate masters and reduces even further the bargaining power of American labor, but YOU DON’T WIN CAMPAIGNS THESE DAYS BY LETTING PEOPLE KNOW WHAT YOU REALLY THINK ABOUT THOSE THINGS. What I oppose is Hillary’s stupidity for being unable to realize in a timely manner which way the political winds were blowing, and her naiveté in thinking she can get away with a last-minute flip on the issue. And what I admire is the Donald’s consistency in saying what the people want to hear about our trade deals. Once he becomes president, he’ll do whatever the blue blazes he wants, mark my words. You can count on it folks, just look at his personal history. No promise he has made on ANYTHING has ever held the man back from doing WHATEVER might be most expedient for him at any given moment. That’s the mark of a true leader. So, I trust he’ll do the right thing once he’s elected and outsource everything he possibly can to the countries where labor is cheapest, just like he did with his brand-name ties and shirts. I want to continue to buy my stuff for rock bottom prices at Walmart. Well, if Clinton is elected, she’ll pass the TPP, too. So, I guess I win either way. But like I said, she’s evil, whereas Trump is our savior.

Of course, a number of objections have been raised to Trump’s candidacy. Honestly, people, we shouldn’t be surprised by this. Haters have a way of hating on people they are jealous of. They are envious of his money, his great looks, his beautiful wives, his magnificent hairdo and burnished tan, his formidable hands, and his complete self-confidence. Not only that, but they are also committed to keeping the United States a second-rate nation, a defeated country, a people condemned to mediocrity by political correctness and needless bureaucratic regulations, a land invaded by yoga centers and tofu-oriented restaurants. Trump talks tough and directly about what’s going on in this country. He’s geared up to slash all of that red tape that’s holding back economic growth. He’s ready to eat a taco salad on Cinco de Mayo. He’s prepared to take on Vince McMahon during a WWE smackdown. He’s itching to appoint Dennis Rodman as his Ambassador to North Korea. He’s chomping at the bit to be Commander in Chief with his finger on that bright red button for launching nuclear Armageddon. In summary, we can safely plug up our ears and ignore any criticism aimed at the Donald.

Still, I hear your simpering voices asking me to refute specific objections to Trump’s conduct. Oh ye of little faith! If you could summon up the will to banish the liberal Satan from your souls, you’d see with holy eyes the sanctified conservative glow emanating from the Donald’s orangey skin. You’d have no need for any refutations whatsoever. But in consideration of your weak minds, I’ve decided to take pity upon you and instruct you in the ways of ultimate reality. Also, if I convince you to vote for Trump and he wins, I’ll probably get a lower tax rate.

As you know, the accusations levied against Trump are so numerous and convoluted that it would be necessary to write an entire book to cover them all adequately. That’s just an indicator of how much boiling envy he inspires. Actually, for those endowed with true faith, it would be enough to simply say: “They’re wrong, he’s right, the end.” Notice that the Donald always, always, ALWAYS stands up for himself in response to EVERY SINGLE CRITICISM directed against him. Not once, not in a billion years, has he EVER admitted to being wrong on ANYTHING. And that’s because, quite simply, HE HAS ALWAYS BEEN RIGHT. But even more importantly, it’s because admitting wrongdoing is a fatal sign of weakness, and Trump is the epitome of absolute strength. We should all follow his sterling example in this regard. Think of what a wonderful world we’d be living in if everyone acted like Trump. We’d all be winners and no losers would be left. We’d all be billionaires and own huge hotels, at least we men would. But the women would of course be happy, since they’d all be like Melania, wearing lots of makeup with beautiful hourglass figures, waiting at home for us with a delicious dinner on the table. But anyway, no, I can’t respond to every negative thing ever said about the man, so I’ll just limit myself to a few of the more notorious barbs thrown his way.

It has been said that Trump has declared bankruptcy six times, and that his refusal to release his tax returns indicates that he has something to hide. Look here, you idiotic nincompoop, you turd-breath ground slug. Trump himself has said that he is the “king of debt.” Stop for a moment and try to wrap your miniscule mind around that concept. Oh, that’s right, you’re incapable of doing that. Never mind, I’ll unpack it for you. Look here, my friends. You don’t declare bankruptcy six times and owe people billions of dollars unless you are BIG TIME. Let’s let that sink in for a minute. Little people run up little debts. They max out credit cards. They default on student loans. They foreclose on their quaint little homes. That’s peanuts. That’s nothing. How many of the little people out there are TOO BIG TO FAIL like the Donald? Very few, because he’s not your average Joe, he’s IN THE BIG LEAGUES WITH THE BIG BOYS, unlike YOU. Folks, when the Donald went bankrupt, the banks bailed him out and took a loss because THEY WERE IN TOO DEEP WITH THE MAN TO DO ANYTHING ELSE. Besides that, they realized that they needed HIS BRAND NAME to help them recoup their losses. How much is YOUR brand name worth? How about ZERO? Wake up, loser. You are not the Donald. The rules that apply to most everyone else do not apply to him. Which is why he should be president and make new and better rules for you to obey. Think about the mind-boggling complexity of what it means to be Trump. Consider how he dwells upon a higher plane of existence than most mere mortals. I’m telling you, he is withholding his tax returns for only one reason, and it is this. If most weak-minded people like you took a look at them, your feeble intellect wouldn’t be able to handle it, YOUR HEAD WOULD LITERALLY EXPLODE LIKE A WATERMELON WITH A FIRECRACKER STUCK INSIDE OF IT. And he needs you to vote for him, so you are worth more to him alive than dead. At least until the election is over.

Just think about the situation in the United States today. Think of our ginormous deficit. What is it now, some ten trillion gazillion dollars? What is our collateral in this scenario? How about nothing but good faith in America? In other words, our massive debt is backed up by only one thing, OUR NATIONAL BRAND. As I’ve just explained, Trump is a master at handling debt and at getting bailed out based on the strength of his personal brand. Who better to bail out the US of A than someone who epitomizes what our nation has become? Friends, Trump is the heart and soul of America itself. Forget Ronald Reagan. This guy makes Ronald Reagan look like a lightweight.

Trump has been accused of not paying some of his contractors for work they did on his building projects. Well, who gives a rat’s hindquarters except a bunch of pansies and crybabies? Look, those contractors knew what they were getting into. When you provide a service for somebody like Trump, such as installing hundreds of bathroom fixtures in a hotel at a cost of hundreds of thousands of dollars to your company, you realize you are taking a calculated risk. Maybe you’ll get paid, or maybe you won’t get paid for it. That would all depend on whether or not the person who promises to pay decides whether or not it makes sense for him to pay you or not after the work is completed. That’s how it works, people. And in several instances, the Donald concluded for whatever reason that hey, they weren’t going to get paid, end of story, and if they didn’t like it, they were free to sue him and tangle with his top-notch legal team. Sure, maybe he had run out of money at the time, but that’s immaterial, is it not? Boy, they sure picked the wrong fight, because in some cases almost thirty years have gone by and they’re STILL trying to get their money from him and he’s STILL laughing in their faces. Why would he pay up now, after all this time? It’s a matter of principle, that’s why. You give in once, and then everyone thinks you’re a pushover. Who cares if some of those companies went bankrupt because Trump refused to pay them for their services? The business world is the survival of the fittest and the weak get winnowed out. Trump is the top-dog predator which is why he’s still standing. Read and learn, read and learn.

The Donald has been criticized for the way he ran Trump University, which was supposed to have been set up as a way to teach people about his marvelous real estate investment secrets. Some say it wasn’t even a real university, that it was some kind of scam. Listen here, you bleeding-heart puddle of septic tank overflow sludge. Perhaps you recall those famous Latin words, caveat emptor. Know what that means? It means “buyer beware.” It means that a sucker is born every minute, and smart and motivated and dominant people like Trump, the people WHO SHOULD RIGHTFULLY RUN OUR SOCIETY AND COUNTRY, know how and when to step in and efficiently and effectively separate a rube from his dough. Like the old saying goes, a fool and his money soon go their separate ways, and Donald Trump is where they part company. They say that all of the information shared at Trump University was taken from free online websites about real estate, then presented to attendees by so-called professors who were hired because of their extensive background in high-pressure sales tactics. They say that truckloads of poor elderly boobs who had saved up their money for decades and decades emptied out their life’s savings so that they could attend Trump’s most exclusive seminars on real estate, at which he himself was of course never present, and during which they learned nothing that they couldn’t have found out for themselves by going to one of those free online websites. They say that Trump knew exactly what was going on, that in fact he organized the whole thing right down to practically the very last detail. Well, SO WHAT! Look here, what he did was COMPLETELY LEGAL. Right now, the whole matter is being handled in civil court, and Trump’s legal team is sticking it to anyone who is trying to sue him for this, and guess what, THEY’RE GOING TO WIN BECAUSE HE’S GOT THE BEST LAWYERS. I don’t feel sorry in the least for the poor suckers who signed up for his university. They got what was coming to them. And I have nothing but shining admiration for Trump because he earned every cent he got from his university fair and square, the all American way.

Some have said that Trump is a bigot, racist, sexist, and xenophobe. Well, all I can say to that is blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. First off, what the heck is the difference between a bigot and a racist? Is the bigot Archie Bunker and the racist David Duke? How do you decide something like that? Don’t show me your dictionary, because I don’t care. I don’t have time for any of that. Look, Trump has some blacks and Latinos and probably even some Asians on his campaign team. Enough said. He got Ben Carson to endorse him. News flash, people. If you’ve got money, or if you can help Trump achieve his objectives in some useful way, he doesn’t give a rip what the color of your skin is. So what if he was accused of housing discrimination against blacks several decades ago? That’s the way the real estate market worked back in those days, and to some extent still does today. Don’t blame him, instead blame the real estate market. And good luck finding any one person to answer for that. They say he’s sexist. But he’s had women working for him in top positions. Sure, he’s a man’s man, and likes a hot looking babe as much as the next guy. So he’s human. So he doesn’t change baby’s diapers, and can’t be bothered to wash dishes or cook. That’s all women’s work, anyway. Let the emasculated males of the world jump at the beck and call of their feminazi masters. You won’t find Trump among them, and thank God for that. They say that his labeling of illegal immigrants as rapists and murders is xenophobic in the extreme, and that his plan to build a wall on the border and make Mexico pay for it is unrealizable. Look here, you raving bag of snot rags. He ate a taco salad on Cinco de Mayo, alright? If he hated Hispanic immigrants he would never have done that in a million years. Good Lord, the man is so routinely quoted out of context, it’s just absolutely unbelievable. The liberal media is hell bent on taking him down, the system is rigged, and he’s never going to get a fair shake from his enemies, which he must utterly destroy once and for all. And as for making Mexico pay for the wall, just remember that he got his bankers to pay off all of his debts, which was no small feat. You just watch him get Mexico to pay for the wall. Believe you me, they’ll be forking over the moolah before you know it. And the illegal immigrants in this country, the very day Trump is inaugurated, they’ll all just spontaneously deport themselves out of sheer terror of having to deal with him. Just you wait.

Finally, many seem to have the baseless idea that Trump’s character issues make him unsuited for the presidency of the United States, and that we can’t trust his promises to defend the middle class. Alright then, let’s take a minute to think about what this country represents. You say it stands for liberty, freedom, and justice. You say it represents righteousness and fairness and compassion and democracy and civil rights. You need to splash some cold water on your face and wake up from your drooling stupor. All of that stuff is just a bunch of worthless drivel, a load of laughable pabulum destined for the soft and pliable brains of the uninitiated masses, of the mooing herd of working class doofuses. I’ll tell you what the United States stands for. It stands for world domination. It stands for being number one. It stands for being king of the hill. It stands for having the strongest economy in the world and the most powerful military several times over. It stands for being the apex predator on a planet of ravenous beasts. So, with that in mind, let’s examine the Donald’s brashness, his relentlessness, his insistence on interrupting anyone he wants however he wants whenever he dang well feels like it, his iron determination to claw his way to the top come hell or high water no matter who tries to stand in his way. My friends, that is the character that suits the presidency of this nation to an absolute T. And as for defending the middle class, look, if you want them to vote for you, you’ve got to give them the impression that you’re on their side. Then, once you’re in the Oval Office, you do what has to be done to advance the interests of the people who really matter, that is, THE CORPORATE OVERLORDS WHO RIGHTFULLY OWN THIS COUNTRY.

Even Hillary Rodham Clinton understands that. But, like I said, she’s evil. After all, her husband had an affair with Monica Lewinsky, which was entirely her fault, since she looked so frumpy. If you can’t interest a man, don’t blame him for heading out to explore greener pastures. Now that is something that the Donald most definitely understands. Once each of his first two wives got past their prime, he traded them in for newer models. Poor ole Bill Clinton just went out on some test drives. He’s still got the same old clunker he picked up in the seventies.

"Won't you tell me where my country lies?" said the unifaun to his true love's eyes...