Thurston Thornton: My Kind of Conservatism

My Kind of Conservatism

December 1, 2009

The other day I found myself at a local coffee shop and I ran into some guy that I know from church. Not well, mind you. In fact, he recognized me and I quite frankly didn't know who the hell he was. He came up, said, "Hey, Thurston, how's it going?" And my response was: "How'd you know my name?" So he answered: "Come on, what a joker you are Thurston!" What an ass. I just shrugged my shoulders and let him blab on for awhile about the new organ the church bought, the Bible study classes and some minor controversy involving the pastor's assistant, etc.

Finally, after about ten minutes of listening to this stupor-inducing idiot ramble on about his inconsequential concerns, I interrupted and just told him the honest truth: "Look here, I just go to that church because my mother gets upset if I don't at least show up on Easter and Christmas, and for the rest of the year I've got better things to do with my time, like for example clipping my toenails." He looked like I'd just shot him through the heart or something, mouth wide open, eyes bugging out. I thought he was going to punch me.

Well, he got himself together more or less, calmed himself down, then told me that I needed to develop a personal relationship with Jesus. I told him that Jesus and I were doing just fine, thank you, two is company and three is a crowd, so don't butt in on my personal relationship with my Savior. You've got your Jesus and I've got mine, that's what I told him. Then he goes on about how there is only one Jesus, I had to cut him off again, I said: "Listen up, you brainless, festering turd, I know what it means to be saved and to be right with Christ and the Lord, I don't have to go to church all the damned time and hang out with blathering, mincing bores like yourself to get to heaven, so why don't you get the hell out of my face, shut up, and go away?"

So, he comes back with the usual line: "I'll pray for you, brother." I reminded him that he was not my brother in any shape or form, and that I didn't need his prayers since Jesus and I are closer than two peas in a pod, so he would be wasting his time, and suggested that he go do something else, which I will not mention in this article for the sake of common decency.

Anyway, that whole thing about "I'll pray for you" is bogus in almost every case, what they are really saying is that they think that they are closer to God than you are. They really don't pray for you despite what they say, they actually imagine you burning in the fires of hell and that makes them feel good because they think that they'll be able to look down at you from heaven and kind of snicker about it while hanging out with angels and playing harps and everything. You know, that's not what heaven is going to be like. Read your Bible. It's all about mansions filled with gold. Now that's my idea of heaven. They can have their harps, feathery wings, and silly clouds. What a bunch of morons.

I'll be honest. I never pray for anyone or anything. What's the point? If God wants to help someone out, what difference does it make if I put my two cents into it? I mean, I could say, "Hey God, help me out." Maybe he'll get involved and do something, maybe not. I mean, I could pray, "God, do something terrible to that jackass, I can't stand him." Just watch, maybe God will let him win the lottery or something, just to make a point, kind of his way of saying ha, ha, you thought you could get me to do something for you. Praying is just shouting into the wind. God's a busy man. He's making galaxies and setting off supernovas. What does he care about what we're doing?

But almost all of these Christians have an exaggerated sense of self-importance. Most of them are completely illogical. The only things that they say that make any sense is that stuff about the end times and the anti-Christ and in case of rapture this car will be unmanned. But apart from that, they mostly don't know what they are talking about.

However, in reality, the thing that probably irritates me the most about those kind of people is that they imagine that I am one of them politically. Sure, I'm a conservative. Actually, I represent the truest form of conservatism known to mankind. And a lot of these church-going types consider themselves to be conservatives, but in truth they are stooges and pawns for the evil communist minions that run the federal, state, and local governments, and have thoroughly infiltrated and subverted the Republican party. What are Republicans? Just Democrats seeking to pander a bit more to religious wackos, who themselves are nothing more than obedient zombies for the socialist bureacrats that run the country. And let me tell you, the worst of those bureaucrats are the IRS agents.

We don't need taxes in this country. Well, at least not for people like me, patriots of substance and culture, leaders of society that pulled themselves up by their bootstraps, became successful and celebrated members of their communities, and know a thing or two about making money and getting politicians to do what they want. Everyone else can pay taxes as far as I'm concerned, especially all the losers that are working for minimum wage. And we should do away with the minimum wage as well, let the market determine wages, not the damned government! Hell, if some illegal Mexican immigrant is willing to work for ten cents an hour, pay him ten cents an hour. That would be great for the bottom line of your business.

Allow me return to our main theme here. My kind of conservatism is based upon one extremely simple and fundamental premise, which is the following in a nutshell. The Bible is from God Almighty and the United States was founded as and must remain a Christian nation dedicated to converting the rest of the planet either into American territory or at the least into safe zones where you can set up McDonald's franchises here and there without them getting fire bombed on a regular basis. The world's destiny is in our hands. We are the only truly free nation on earth, the only nation truly blessed by God. The rest of the world, such as Canada, is under the dominion of Satan, and if you don't believe me, just take a look at their health-care system. God bless America, not Canada. Oh sure, those Canadians claim that their health care system is great and that everyone in that country benefits from it, blah, blah, blah. Those are nothing more than demonic mutterings coming from deluded minds.

Look here, some people should be denied health care coverage as a matter of principle. What principle is that, you may ask? Well, I'll tell you. It's the principle of "It's not my damned problem that those people don't have health care coverage!" It's the noble and lofty and all-American principle of "you've got a pre-existing condition so no health insurance for you -- tough cookie!" It's also the principle of "keep government out of the health insurance industry because they will screw it up just like they screw up everything else, such as the postal service and the interstate highway system!" Really, why can't we drive as fast as we want, like on the German Autobahn? Why can't we send explosives and flammable gases in the mail? What a load of crap! My friends, it boggles the mind, it truly does.

Finally, it is the principle of "don't use my tax dollars to pay for some stupid bleeding-heart liberal effort to give health insurance to people that don't deserve it!" Who, might you ask, doesn't deserve health insurance? By merely asking that question, you have exposed yourself as nothing more than a pathetic leftist worm burrowing under the slimy rock of limp-wristed socialist ideology. I am wasting my time with you. But I'm feeling unusually tolerant right now, so allow me to state the blatantly obvious. If you can't afford health insurance, you don't deserve health insurance, plain and simple, because the free market is the will of God Almighty himself. Let those who can't afford health insurance suffer. That should build character, and when it doesn't build character, we've got the prison system to take care of those people.

My kind of conservatism is based upon being your own man and doing your own thing. I believe in rough and rugged individualism (imagine John Wayne riding off into the sunset and you'll get the idea) because that's what our great nation was founded upon, the right to take Injun lands and make a lot of money however you damned well please and declare war on Middle Eastern nations that don't believe in Jesus. Yeah, I know how some of you academic types say that Jesus is in the Koran, but you neglect to mention that Muslims don't go to church. Instead, they go to some other kind of place which is not a church, I think they call it a musk or something. If they believed in Jesus they'd be in a church. I rest my case. That's what makes it okay for us to go in there and take over their countries. Plus the fact that Saddam Hussein had a bunch of weapons of mass destruction and was going to attack the USA, but fortunately we got in there in the nick of time to take him out before he could do his thing with Osama bin Laden, and let me tell you, those two were in cahoots big time with each other.

Now, I've heard all this crap about how there supposedly weren't any weapons of mass destruction and no relationship between Saddam and bin Laden. However, here's what really happened. The Democrats hatched a plan to hide all the weapons of mass destruction in order to make Bush look bad. It's been proven that they had them all transported to East Orange, New Jersey in a Swedish cargo ship and had them stored in an abandoned dress-making factory. Then, the Democrats took control of the CIA and lied to the public about the true relationship between Saddam and Osama, even going so far as to say that they despised each other.

Nothing could be further from the truth. I have photos showing both of those men smoking a hookah pipe together surrounded by Saddam's harem of belly dancers at a tent party next to a palm-fringed desert oasis. And yes, those photos are completely authentic and have not been doctored in any way, you disloyal and faithless bleeding-heart pinko commie! I got those photos from a patriotic website with lots more indisputable information about the clandestine and hostile liberal takeover of our government.

What else? Oh yeah, the stuff about abortion. I'm all for protecting the sanctity of human life. We don't want to abort a child that might one day grow up to join the military and go overseas and sacrifice his life in order to defend this great nation from people like Saddam Hussein. There's no glory in getting sucked up a plastic tube in a doctor's office, but getting blown up by a roadside bomb is a different matter. Who are we to deprive the unborn of that privilege?

Finally, I must say that my kind of conservatism is based upon gasoline and coal. Folks, there's nothing like good old-fashioned gasoline for running your car, and nothing like good old-fashioned coal for making electricity. All that stuff about using renewable energy sources is pie-in-the-sky crap. It'll never happen. Windmills? Solar energy? That stuff is for Birkenstock-wearing pansies! Drill baby drill, that's what I say! Now, nuclear power plants are okay by me also. Only I think we ought to ship the used nuclear fuel to Iraq. Heck, after all we've done for them, the least they could do is to store that junk for us. Is that so much to ask? I think not.

My kind of conservatism means getting what's mine and looking out for number one. Who is number one? The United States of America is number one! What is America? America is everyone that has Jesus Christ in his heart and an iron resolve to use gasoline and coal until the end of time. America is me, not you, you lousy, degenerate, effeminate egg-head! And if you can't wrap your mind around that, you can go live in France. America, love me or leave me! Actually, as far as I'm concerned, I'd rather you leave. I hear that the baguettes in France are pretty tasty with a piece of Brie cheese. Why don't you go check it out?