Why You Can’t Live With or Without Saturday Night Live May 22, 2010
Posted by tvcrawlspace in : Satire, Saturday Night Live , add a comment
SNL just ended it’s 35th season with strong ratings, and still seems as young and fresh as a show half its age. It continues to attract high-dollar advertisers in a time slot that only brings cheap commercials to other networks.
The ongoing popularity of SNL is due in no small part to the fact that Saturday night is a television wasteland. There is really nothing much on, because the networks assume that all the viewers, movers and shakers that we are, will be out painting the town and being glamourous, maintaining our lofty positions on the social totem pole, attending elegant parties in million dollar mansions perched on mountain tops as the moon shines down into our champagne glasses and we gaze uncaringly from our balconies into the city lights below.
The TV networks don’t suspect the truth of how we really spend our weekends, which typically consist of eating some leftover tuna casserole for dinner while sitting in an old La-Z-Boy that you’re still making payments on, trying to convince your teenage daughter not to have another baby, realizing you’ll have to wait two more paychecks to have your car’s brakes fixed, and reflecting that your only chance for escaping your job as a tire store manager seems to be the brochure you received in the mail about learning therapeutic massage at your local career college. And even though it’s Saturday night, you don’t have to worry about taking your wife out on a date because she’s gone off for the weekend with her belly dance instructor, some guy named Stephan who knows a lot about eastern religions. So you wash down a couple of pain killers with a Pabst Blue Ribbon, and settle in for a night of escape in front of the tube.
After a few minutes of channel surfing you start to realize that the networks have a very low opinion of people who watch TV on a Saturday night. You have your choice between some Cops reruns, a cooking show, a stray crime procedural or two, and a couple of old movies from 1994. In desperation you proceed to PBS. They’ve helped you out in the past. They’ll stimulate your brain with something informative. What’s this? Lawrence Welk? Say it’s not true. Yes, they’re taunting you. You can almost hear your wife laughing with comtempt. You take another swig of Pabst and glance doubtfully over at the stack of books that you never finished reading. “Anything but that,” you moan despairingly. You’ve still got one last line of defence: you can hook up the old Super Nintendo.
Then you look at the clock and, like an answer to a prayer, it occurs to you that it’s almost 11:30/10:30c, and Saturday Night Live will be on soon, your comedy oasis in the middle of a dreary weekend.
Herein lies the appeal of SNL.
I must confess, this column was originally meant to be a scathing indictment of SNL, with statements such as, “Forget Seinfeld, SNL is the real life Show About Nothing, devoid of all intelligence or vision…” Then I dutifully sat down with my notebook and watched the 2010 season finale, and I was forced to admit that most of it was actually very funny. In particular, I liked the Sally Field drug commercial parody, the latest Andy Samberg video, and a couple of the Alex Baldwin sketches (”Take the shot!”)
The quality of SNL may ebb and flow like the tides, but the show will always thrive because it provides a much need service to America. It rescues us in our moment of doubt and makes us feel hip and relevant again. This is why we will always return to the show, year after year, and suffer through annoying skits like Mr. Peepers, the ambiguously gay duo, and Grady Wilson’s marital aid videos. Lorne Michaels, to his credit, has always managed to keep the show entertaining on some level in spite of the revolving door of cast changes. This is no small task in an age of watered down, corporate-friendly television programming.
In closing, I would like to emphasize that I do not consider myself an SNL fan. I have spent the last dedade or so trying not to watch it, but like the castaways on Gilligan’s Island, I always end up back where I started, listening to those words, “Live from New York, It’s Saturday Night!” Attempting to escape the show’s gravitational pull has proven to be futile.
Who Wants to be a Blog-o-Naire? Pt. 1 April 21, 2009
Posted by tvcrawlspace in : General, Satire, Who Wants to be a Millionaire , add a commentMERIDITH VIEIRA: Hello everybody and welcome to Who Wants to be a Blog-o-naire, the game show for people who have deluded themselves into thinking they can get rich quick by starting a blog. Audience, are you ready to meet our first contestant ?
AUDIENCE: Yesssss!
MERIDITH: Are you sure?
AUDIENCE: Yesssss!!
MERIDITH: Are you really, really sure?”
AUDIENCE: YEESSSSSSSS!!!!!
MERIDITH: (chuckling) Alright then let’s say hello to our first contestant, Ted from TV Crawlspace.
(Ted walks out and waves to the crowd.)
MERIDITH: Well hello Ted, it’s so nice to meet yooouuuu! Now, it says here that you haven’t written a blog post in a month and half!
TED: Actually, it’s been closer to two months.
MERIDITH: Two months?! Well, what seems to be the problem? (laughter from the audience.) Don’t you want to be a blogger anymore?
TED: I think I do but lately it’s been hard to get motivated. It turns out that writing a blog is actually hard work. In fact, I’m not even sure if I’ll be able to finish this post.
MERIDITH: Finish this post? Ted, what in the heck are you talking about? (laughter from the audience.)
Continuing Adventures on Lost Island February 10, 2009
Posted by tvcrawlspace in : Lost, Satire, Sci-Fi , 2comments
In the previous installment I decided it would be a clever idea to visit Lost Island in order to find answers about the mysterious show on ABC. I hitched a ride to the island on a freighter ship, and managed to assimilate myself into the Lost beach community without much trouble.
After a couple of weeks of attempting to pick the brains of the series regulars with questions about the ghostly apparitions, the hatch, the four toed statue, the whispering voices, and countless other phenomena on the show, they began to tire of my incessant badgering. One day, while I was talking to Juliet, Jack clapped me on the shoulder and said, “Look, Junior (as he had taken to calling me), we don’t know the answers any more than you do. If you really want to learn something you need to go visit the Others’ camp.” To which I replied, “Wouldn’t that be kind of dangerous?” He smiled. “Nah. You’ll be OK.”
It seemed like a risky proposition, but the next night I was compelled into action. I had joined several of my fellow islanders who were conversing around a campfire. I noticed Charlie sitting on the other side. “Are you the real Charlie or ghost Charlie?” I said half jokingly. He gave me a glare. “Just as real as you, mate.” To prove his corporality, Charlie picked up his guitar and launched into a never ending rendition of “You All Everybody”, in the style of “99 Bottles of Beer”. After Hurley and a drunken Sayid joined in people started to get up and leave. Then suddenly everybody was gone. Not just the people, but the whole camp site too, including the bag of Dharma marshmallows I had been contemplating. Apparently I had gotten a demonstration of the islands new annoying time-spaz feature.
After unsuccessfully looking around for a few minutes for clues of my when-abouts, I sat down in the sand and began to consider my options. I looked out at the dark ocean and didn’t see any lights from nearby ships. It began to sink in that I had gotten myself stuck here for the unforeseeable future. I decided the next morning I would take Jack’s advice and head for the Others’ camp. I would find Ben or Richard, and hopefully one of them would point me in the right direction. Luckily I still had my backpack with me, which had been sitting next to me when the timeshift occurred. It contained my notebook, some snacks, a compass, and some other helpful survival items.
In the morning I set out on my journey through the woods. It wasn’t long before I encountered Desmond again, and I was relieved to see that somebody else was still on the island. This time he had fashioned himself a loin cloth out of scrap boar hide. He ran after me frantically, yelling “You’re gun tah die, Crawlspace!” I asked him what the hell he was talking about. He handed me a religious brochure explaining how I could gain eternal life by joining his new nature-based religion. I thanked him for the information, and promised to return later to discuss what I had read. After I resumed my hike, it occurred to me that I should have mentioned to Dez that his long lost girlfriend Penny might be on her way to the island and that he should get himself cleaned up a little bit.
A couple of hours of later I stopped to drink some water from my canteen and munch on some dried mango. Suddenly everything went dark and there was a strong gust of wind that knocked me off the rock I was sitting on. At first I suspected another time shift, but when I looked up I realized that the infamous smoke monster had found me. I grabbed my gear and started to run, but the dark cloud knocked me down and started to drag me by my feet. I kicked my way free, then picked up the largest rock I could find and hurled it at the thing. The rock went through the middle of the cloud and bounced on the ground behind it. A big toothy grin appeared where the rock went through and the smoke monster started to laugh. “You’re not too bright, are you?” he said.
(to be continued)
Christmas with Jack Bauer, Part 3 January 2, 2009
Posted by tvcrawlspace in : 24, Holiday Posts, Inspirational, Satire , 2comments
I knew my interview with Jack Bauer had gone awry when I found myself being lifted out of my chair by the shirt collar, and slammed against his refrigerator. “You’re starting to sound a lot like a terrorist, pal!” he snarled.
“Hey, uh, that kinda hurts.”
“Hurts? How’d you like to know what real pain feels like? I knew when I saw you that you were one of these purse-carrying liberal elitists. But now I think it’s even worse than that. Give me one reason to believe you’re not working for Al Qaeda!”
I implored him to look in my shirt pocket. He pulled out a box of Tic-Tacs and frowned, then wasted no time in tying me to a chair. After a couple of solid backhands to the face, he plugged in a power cord and touched together the stripped wires at the other end, causing a spark. “You’re going to tell me who you’re working for”, he growled.
“You really know how to throw a Christmas party,” I said, perhaps a little too casually. “I bet Martha Stewart would be so proud. I don’t YAAARRRGHH YIYIYIYI vugindamsonuva GARRRRRRGH YIYIYIYIYI YIYIYIIYIYYI buzabadooba YOOOWWWW IYYIYIYIYIY subaluzzabunaguzza.” (Rough translation: “Ouch.”)
I decided it was in the best interest of the country to tell him everything. I confessed my admiration of French cuisine and culture. I admitted to having written passages from the Communist Manifesto on public restroom stalls. I divulged my secret dream to raise the taxes of gun owners and abolish all religions except Scientology. I acknowledged my status as a United Nations spy and a champion disco dancer. I confessed my habits of sticking my chewed gum under tables, and embarrassing my family members with drunken air guitar solos. I told him about the piece of candy I stole from the Civitans box at the Golden Corral, and the copy of One Fish, Two Fish, Red Fish, Blue Fish that I never returned to the public library. I gave him Bin Laden’s street address, email, cell phone and fax numbers, plus my old high school locker combination and my mother’s revised banana bread recipe.
Thirty minutes into the bathtub water boarding session, Bauer’s phone rang. He dried off his hands and answered it.. “Bauer here. What’s the situation? Yeah, OK. I’ll be right down.” He hung up and then threw me a towel. “Looks like you’re off the hook. They’ve got an emergency down at headquarters.” He grabbed his keys and I followed him out the front door.
“You’re letting me go?”
“I’m not done with you yet, but I’ve got bigger problems right now.”
I stood dazed as he attached a pizza delivery sign to the top of his ‘92 Tercel and backed out of the driveway. He yelled from his car, “Don’t worry, Crawlspace. I’ll find you, and you’ll wish I didn’t.”
(The new season of 24 starts January 11th.)
Christmas with Jack Bauer, Part 2 December 29, 2008
Posted by tvcrawlspace in : 24, Holiday Posts, Satire , 3comments
It was Saturday evening, a few days before Christmas, and I was sitting down with Jack Bauer at his kitchen table for an exclusive interview. After the preliminary shots of whiskey were out of the way, Bauer began to talk candidly about his life. I was surprised to learn that he had been a surf bum during his youth, and had graduated from UCLA with a degree in English Literature before enlisting in the army. His military service had taken him on journeys around the world, missions that required him to become fluent in Spanish and Russian.
He explained that he was no longer employed by the Counter Terrorist Unit. He had been dismissed after his sensitivity training counselor had alleged that Bauer grabbed him by the throat and treatened to kill him. “It was all a big mix up”, Jack explained. “I didn’t mean to hurt the guy. But if they don’t want me around anymore, that’s fine. I don’t need all that bureaucratic red tape anyway.”
I decided it was time to broach a sensitive topic. “There has been great controversy about your show 24 in recent years. The show has had plenty of praise from critics, but there have also been plenty of detractors. They say 24 is too violent and that it glorifies torture as an acceptable means of gaining intelligence.”
He seemed mildly amused. “And where do you fall on that issue?”
“Well, as much as I like the show, I have to agree that you guys go overboard with the torture scenes.” I braced myself for the storm that might be brewing.
Bauer remained calm. “What I do in my line of work isn’t pretty, Mr. Crawlspace, but it’s necessary, if you want to continue to enjoy the quality of life we have in this country. You can’t always protect the rights of some fanatic when a million people could die from the nuclear attack he’s planning.”
“What I’m saying is,” I continued, “you may think he’s the guy you’re looking for, but without a trial or investigation, how do you know for sure? Maybe he’s just confessing to get you off his back.”
“Oh, I get it. You’re playing devil’s advocate,” Jack said, chuckling. “Of course. You had me there for a minute.”
The whiskey had apparently increased my boldness. “Actually, I’m being serious. I can understand using torture as a plot device in a TV show, but 24 practically promotes it as a lifestyle. I mean, if America is going to be doing these kinds of things in violation of the Geneva Convention, doesn’t it send a message to our enemies that anything goes? If the supposed good side is behaving more despicably than the bad side, how do we tell which side is which anymore? Why should I continue to support our country when we’re doing these things? I won’t. I’d rather join the enemy.”
Bauer put his half eaten Christmas cookie down slowly and stared at me from across the table. “Oh shit,” I thought. “Too far, too far.”
(to be continued)
Christmas with Jack Bauer, Part 1 December 23, 2008
Posted by tvcrawlspace in : 24, Holiday Posts, Satire , 2comments
The long awaited seventh season of 24 starts January 11, 2009. Millions will once again be enthralled by agent Jack Bauer’s superhuman efforts to protect his country from the latest batch of evildoers. I was recently able to obtain Jack’s email address through my covert intelligence channels, and I requested an interview. To my surprise he answered my email with a phone call, and invited me over to his place the following Saturday for some holiday hospitality and an inside look at what makes the tough guy tick.
It turned out he had taken up residence near my area. After a 30 minute drive on Saturday afternoon, I pulled up in front of his small brick house. I knocked on his front door several times, but there was no answer. Then I tried the doorbell. Bauer peeked through the curtains, then opened the door just a crack and gave me a cold stare. After I explained who I was he seemed satisfied. He opened the door and invited me in. I stepped into his dimly lit den, which was cluttered with junk and old newspapers and magazines. The sound of the Boston Pops playing jingle bells blared from an old Magnavox TV. Sitting on a short table against the wall was a small Christmas tree, decorated with red, white, and blue lights, and a few ornaments. Next to the couch I spotted a well worn copy of Dr. Phil’s Relationship Rescue, but didn’t ask Bauer about it. Everybody knows the guy’s got issues.
He gave me a quick tour around his place. He showed me his two favorite bulletproof vests, a couple of scary looking assault rifles, and his tropical fish tank. He picked up a bobble head doll that Tony Almeida had given him as a Christmas present several years earlier. Jack smiled wistfully and shook the doll. “Betty Boop was a hell of girl.” We sat down for the interview at his kitchen table. The piles of dirty dishes by the sink betrayed his bachelor status. He gestured towards them. “Sorry about the mess.” He took out a half empty bottle of Jim Beam and two shot glasses and set them on the table next to some store-deli Christmas cookies. I managed to choke down a shot after watching him drink three in rapid succession.
“So”, I ventured, “done with your Christmas shopping?”
“Yeah.”
(to be continued)
Inside the DTV Transition Nightmare, Part 3 December 17, 2008
Posted by tvcrawlspace in : DTV, General, Satire , 3comments
OK, I know I left you all hanging for several months in anticipation of the third exciting installment of my DTV blog series. Rest easy, my two faithful readers, for your patience has finally been rewarded.
After a prolonged period of painstaking and painful alliteration, I have reached the following conclusions about the digital television transition:
If you don’t have a state of the art television and you’re not a cable or satellite subscriber, you may find the DTV transition to be reminiscent of the following situations:
1. The first time you looked in the mirror after your parents forced you to get braces.
2. Getting an unplanned one day crash course in lion taming.
3. Staying awake for two days, then taking a physics exam without a calculator.
4. Running barefoot through hot gravel.
5. Getting the hiccups during a job interview.
3. Washing down your cold french fries with a warm, watery drink.
6. Trying out for the rodeo while intoxicated.
5. That time your prom date found a ride home with somebody else.
7. Having a tooth pulled with three fourths of the normal dose of anesthetic.
9. Getting bailed out of jail by your mother.
8. Having shoes thrown at you during a press conference.
In the previous episode, you may remember, I aquired a digital converter box from my local Radio Shack, and I somewhat naively believed that this would solve all my DTV transition issues. I was able to successfully set up the channels on my converter box, but I found that a couple of the channels would cut out or the picture would freeze. With digital channels, unlike analog, you get all or nothing. If the signal isn’t 100% strong, you get no picture. In a desperate attempt to fix this problem, I bought two new antennas, neither of which improved my reception very well. My only other option will be to put up an outdoor antenna, but I’m crossing my fingers and hoping that won’t be necessary.
Keep in mind that the reason I’m fooling around with antennas is to avoid having a monthly bill from a cable or satellite service. The subscription TV providers are the big winners in this huge scam by our Washington brain trust. February 17, 2009 is the day Dish Network, Direct TV, Charter, Bright House, and all the others hit the jackpot. These guys aren’t getting my money. I’ve never paid for television and never will, unless they figure out a way to outlaw free TV altogether, which will probably be the next step in the never ending downward spiral that is the American way of life. The other big DTV snafu that they don’t tell you about is the fact that you will no longer be able to tape one show on your VCR and watch a different show at the same time. You will either need to buy an extra television, or invest in an expensive Tivo system.
The bottom line is, you will have to pay out the butt for new TVs, cable and satellite services, antennas, and/or digital video recorders, unless you have already done so. It’s almost enough to make me give up TV and start dating again.
Candy Wrapper Revelations September 6, 2008
Posted by tvcrawlspace in : General, Inspirational, Satire, Snacks , 2comments
As you know, here at TV Crawlspace we consider snacks to be a necessary ingredient in the TV watching experience. After sampling a pack of M&M’s the other night I thought I spotted a typo on the wrapper. What seemed to be the problem was the apostrophe between the second M and the s. Was it possible that the package designers fell prey to the old pitfall of using an inappropriate apostrophe before the ‘s’ in a plural noun? My inner punctuation zealot jumped for joy at this thought. “The inclusion of the apostrophe implies ownership,” I proudly proclaimed. “In order for it to be valid, the word M&M’s would have to be followed with a second noun.” That’s when I noticed the tiny words at the bottom of the logo, “Chocolate Candies”. There they were. Two little words that meant so much. All was right on my candy wrapper.
This question of who owns the candies prompted me to do a little internet research. It turns out that M&M’s were named after the first owners of the candy’s patent, Forrest Mars Sr. and R. Bruce Murrie, who purchased the rights in 1929. The full name of the product, hypothetically, would read “Mars and Murrie’s Chocolate Candies”. Mr. Mars went on to amass a personal fortune of four billion dollars from the sale his little colorful creations. Kind of adds new meaning to the phrase “living the sweet life”.
After solving that mystery, something else caught my attention. Standing over on the right side of the wrapper was the jaded looking spokescandy known to M&M-o-philes as Red. Like a carnival booth attendant, he pointed a solicitous finger and seemed to urge passersby to partake in the contents of the little brown package. I tried to imagine what he might be saying:
“What’s the matter kid, life got you down? I got just the thing you need. Nothing like a sugar fix to make you forget about your problems. For a while at least. Then you’ll be back for more. Old man Mars got filthy rich off of desperate little kids like you. So what’s got you down, exactly? Let me take a guess. Your playstation game doesn’t work anymore? Your Barbie doll lost an arm? That’s nothin’. I hate to break it to ya, but it’s all downhill from here. You got twelve years of school to look forward to, and each grade is tougher than the last one. Then you work a crap job until you’re old and gray. That’s the game of life, and if you don’t play you end up dead in the gutter with the rats and the junkies. Take it from Red, the biggest thrill in your life will be these little chocolate candies here. Eat all you want, we got a whole warehouse full. These things won’t melt in your hand like that other cheap sh**.”
Just then I imagined a large shoe coming down on our affable spokescandy, crushing him into the sidewalk. That’s the way it goes in the school of hard knocks.
Lesser Heroes Unveiled August 18, 2008
Posted by tvcrawlspace in : Heroes, Holiday Posts, Satire, Sci-Fi , 4comments
We’ve got nothing to worry about.
The exciting third season of Heroes begins September 22, and we at the crawlspace (basically me and my beta fish) will be letting all our calls go to voicemail on Monday nights. The writers of Heroes are always trying to come up with interesting new characters with unique superpowers. Since most of the really impressive powers, like super healing, mind reading, and time traveling, have already been used, the writers will have to start coming up with characters with less impressive powers in future seasons of the show. Here are a few new heroes in the works according to my inside sources (spoiler alert!):
Isaac Mendes, the precognitive artist who painted events of the future, was tragically killed by the evil Sylar. Isaac is gone but not forgotten. Following in his footsteps is his cousin Todd, who will have the ability to paint what happened five minutes ago. He does this with the aid of CNN and MSNBC, and some nice brushes his Aunt Jane gave him for Christmas. He uploads his creations to his blog several times a day and his family is really impressed with his entrepreneurial spirit.
Daphne “Tic Tac” Jacobs has the not too amazing ability to guess what people ate for lunch, which she does especially well if the person in question had a tuna sandwich or a Chef Boyardee product. Daphne is proud of her power. When she becomes aware of somebody’s meal choice, she announces it loudly for all their coworkers to hear.
Another departed hero is D.L. Hawkins, who had the power to walk through walls. Jeff “Turbo” Penaskovic has a similar power, although it’s somewhat less impressive. Turbo is only able to walk partially through walls. His power is usually demonstrated at parties after the first couple of kegs are empty. His other powers include bad dancing, and the ability to laugh at his own jokes.
Move over Hiro! Timmy “The Timemaster” Hutchins always knows the exact time and date when he’s wearing a special five dollar Timex he bought at Kmart. In future episodes he will also acquire the power to communicate with anybody in the world from any location that is within his cellphone coverage area.
Reginald “Spaghetti” Stevens, formerly a Princeton biochemist, accidentally spilled a vial of toxic chemicals into his coffee one night, and subsequently developed the ability to turn himself into a plate of spaghetti. Heroes insiders predict that after hiding his secret for many years, Reg will find a use for his power as an FBI informant.
Ever been stuck at a Thanksgiving dinner that turns into a home version of the Springer show? Or found yourself at a frat party where half naked people start yelling and breaking things? If so, you will appreciate the abilities of Midge “The Toastmistress” Evangale. Using her hypnotic powers to impart good manners and taste, she can turn the most uncouth gathering into a sophisticated social event.
Daniel “Pogo” Perez has the ability to leap 10 feet in the air. He has performed this feat only once, after he pulled a game sticker off the side of his french fries and found out he won a free order of french fries. Sadly, his power is hard to control and can’t be summoned at will, as he learned when he tried out for his college basketball team.
Valerie Smith has a superhuman level of patience. She has been known to stand in line at the grocery store for two hours because she invites others to break in front of her. Valerie is never frustrated by traffic jams. She sees them as a chance to brainstorm and organize her thoughts. When she was a young child she used to annoy her siblings by saying things like “I can’t believe it’s Christmas time already”. For fun she enjoys watching her plants grow and putting together two thousand piece jigsaw puzzles.
Beating Back the America’s Got Talent Audience July 29, 2008
Posted by tvcrawlspace in : America's Got Talent, Reality TV, Reviews, Satire , 3comments
Et tu, Hasselhoff?
The NBC show America’s Got Talent, currently in its third season, has a lot of good things going for it. The cheerful Sharon Osbourne is a welcome addition to the judges’ panel, and is more sympathetic toward the contestants than her predecessor, the pop singer Brandy, who seemed oddly disdainful and moody during her one year stint in the first season. David Hasselhoff remains the spiritual bedrock of the show, in spite of his occasionally erratic behavior, such as demanding to stand on contestants (ouch!), and having singing duets with cars (as witnessed in season one). Meanwhile, acidic brit Piers Morgan seems more civil these days and continues to be the voice of reason on the show, the much needed earthly anchor to the celestial flights of fancy taken by Hasselhoff and Osbourne. Jerry Springer, who replaced Regis Philbin as host in season two, seems like a better fit than Regis, who was left speechless at times by some of the more bizarre acts on the show. Springer is surprisingly likable as the host, especially in his backstage interviews with the performers.
Yes, all is going well for America’s Got Talent, which is currently enjoying high summer ratings. There’s just one problem I’m having with the show. I can’t take the studio audience. They’re mean, abusive, and kind of stupid. They yell, boo, and hiss at any act that doesn’t conform to their personal tastes. They foam at the mouth. They spit blood while their heads spin around. There’s almost nothing you can say about them that’s an exaggeration.
In a recent episode, an older contestant came out dressed like a king and had intended to recite some type of Shakespearian monologue. The first word out of the king’s mouth was greeted with a deafening wall of boos and jeers, followed quickly by three X’s from the judges. The mean-spiritedness of the incident was startling. Another contestant was a man who had lost the use of his vocal cords for several years due to injuries received in a car crash. Before the crash, he had dreamed of being a singer. He was appearing on the show to sing in public for the first time since regaining his voice. His wife and kids watched from backstage as he performed a pretty decent rendition of “You Lift Me Up”. The audience’s reaction? Boos and catcalls, of course. This kind of rude display is not why I watch the show, and apparently there are many who agree with me out there.
One can’t help but wonder if the new crowd dynamic is the handiwork of Springer. This phenomenon seemed to coincide with his arrival in the second season. Was this behavior learned from watching Jerry’s lively after-school specials, or is it the result of active coercion by AGT’s producers? Either way, the audience is clearly out of control.
Order and civility must be restored.
Here’s my proposal for dealing with the audience on America’s Got Talent:
1. Recruit former and current contestants to form a crowd control freak force, comprised of lion tamers, fire breathers, snake handlers, and assorted transvestites who will use their various talents to keep the heckling mob in check. If nothing else, the confrontation between the two camps would make for interesting television.
2. If the freak force proves ineffective, it’s time to bring out the fire hoses. This technique probably leaves a lot to be desired as a means of subduing a crowd. After the initial shock of the water wears off, the recipients will most likely be more hostile than ever. But the satisfaction of seeing wet people flailing about in pursuit of their dislodged cell phones makes this an essential part of the plan.
3. If the spectators still won’t mind their P’s and Q’s, phase 3 of the operation will be underway: bring in a massive swat team armed with billy clubs, tasers, pepper spray, cattle prods, tear gas, and napalm to pacify the crowd. Large nets would be dropped from the ceiling, allowing the distracted audience members to be gathered into bunches. They would then be loaded onto ships and taken to Polynesia where they would be sold as high quality food stuffs, for use in sushi and that type of thing. NBC could use the profits to develop more of their fabulous game shows that viewers can’t seem to get enough of.
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