Beating Back the America’s Got Talent Audience July 29, 2008
Posted by tvcrawlspace in : America's Got Talent, Reality TV, Reviews, Satire , 3comments
Et tu, Hasselhoff?
The NBC show America’s Got Talent, currently in its third season, has a lot of good things going for it. The cheerful Sharon Osbourne is a welcome addition to the judges’ panel, and is more sympathetic toward the contestants than her predecessor, the pop singer Brandy, who seemed oddly disdainful and moody during her one year stint in the first season. David Hasselhoff remains the spiritual bedrock of the show, in spite of his occasionally erratic behavior, such as demanding to stand on contestants (ouch!), and having singing duets with cars (as witnessed in season one). Meanwhile, acidic brit Piers Morgan seems more civil these days and continues to be the voice of reason on the show, the much needed earthly anchor to the celestial flights of fancy taken by Hasselhoff and Osbourne. Jerry Springer, who replaced Regis Philbin as host in season two, seems like a better fit than Regis, who was left speechless at times by some of the more bizarre acts on the show. Springer is surprisingly likable as the host, especially in his backstage interviews with the performers.
Yes, all is going well for America’s Got Talent, which is currently enjoying high summer ratings. There’s just one problem I’m having with the show. I can’t take the studio audience. They’re mean, abusive, and kind of stupid. They yell, boo, and hiss at any act that doesn’t conform to their personal tastes. They foam at the mouth. They spit blood while their heads spin around. There’s almost nothing you can say about them that’s an exaggeration.
In a recent episode, an older contestant came out dressed like a king and had intended to recite some type of Shakespearian monologue. The first word out of the king’s mouth was greeted with a deafening wall of boos and jeers, followed quickly by three X’s from the judges. The mean-spiritedness of the incident was startling. Another contestant was a man who had lost the use of his vocal cords for several years due to injuries received in a car crash. Before the crash, he had dreamed of being a singer. He was appearing on the show to sing in public for the first time since regaining his voice. His wife and kids watched from backstage as he performed a pretty decent rendition of “You Lift Me Up”. The audience’s reaction? Boos and catcalls, of course. This kind of rude display is not why I watch the show, and apparently there are many who agree with me out there.
One can’t help but wonder if the new crowd dynamic is the handiwork of Springer. This phenomenon seemed to coincide with his arrival in the second season. Was this behavior learned from watching Jerry’s lively after-school specials, or is it the result of active coercion by AGT’s producers? Either way, the audience is clearly out of control.
Order and civility must be restored.
Here’s my proposal for dealing with the audience on America’s Got Talent:
1. Recruit former and current contestants to form a crowd control freak force, comprised of lion tamers, fire breathers, snake handlers, and assorted transvestites who will use their various talents to keep the heckling mob in check. If nothing else, the confrontation between the two camps would make for interesting television.
2. If the freak force proves ineffective, it’s time to bring out the fire hoses. This technique probably leaves a lot to be desired as a means of subduing a crowd. After the initial shock of the water wears off, the recipients will most likely be more hostile than ever. But the satisfaction of seeing wet people flailing about in pursuit of their dislodged cell phones makes this an essential part of the plan.
3. If the spectators still won’t mind their P’s and Q’s, phase 3 of the operation will be underway: bring in a massive swat team armed with billy clubs, tasers, pepper spray, cattle prods, tear gas, and napalm to pacify the crowd. Large nets would be dropped from the ceiling, allowing the distracted audience members to be gathered into bunches. They would then be loaded onto ships and taken to Polynesia where they would be sold as high quality food stuffs, for use in sushi and that type of thing. NBC could use the profits to develop more of their fabulous game shows that viewers can’t seem to get enough of.
My Journey to Lost Island July 21, 2008
Posted by tvcrawlspace in : Lost, Satire, Sci-Fi , 5comments
It was summer of 2008. The Lost season 4 finale had come and gone, and after four months of blogging about television, I still had not written a post about my favorite show. The problem in writing about Lost, of course, is in the complexity of its plot. People who watch the show on a regular basis have a hard enough time understanding it, so how do you explain it to those who don’t watch it at all? No easy task, considering the many unexplained developments throughout the history of the series.
In order to answer the many burning questions about Lost island, I decided I would have to go there myself. Using an old shortwave radio, I was able to contact Penny Widmore, who was setting off on an expedition to find the island, and made arrangements to travel aboard her ship. I was packing my bags when she called back and said her ship had left ahead of schedule, and that I would have to travel on her father’s freighter ship instead. Conditions aboard the freighter were less than hospitable. I was forced to do janitorial work, the food was terrible, and there were roaches everywhere. Half the crew was crazy, and the other half was mean as hell. When our ship got within sight of the island, some guy with big arms named Keamy told me they were sending me out on a scouting mission, then he threw me overboard. After about two hours of swimming I reached the shore and collapsed from fatigue and heatstroke. When I woke up I was lying in the shade under a tent. Kate was fanning me with a big leaf and Juliet gave me a coconut shell full of Hawaiian Punch to drink. “Don’t try to speak”, she said.
After recuperating peacefully for several weeks, Sayid decided I was a spy from the Others’ camp and imprisoned me in the hatch. After enduring several days of Sayid’s unpleasant interrogation techniques, which included beatings, sleep deprivation, and horrible karaoke singing, I was finally let out by Hurley, who told Sayid to lighten up. On my way back to the beach camp I encountered Desmond in the woods, who seemed to be communing with nature and having some kind of religious experience. I didn’t attempt to communicate with him. After re-joining the survivors on the beach, I became friends with Jin, who didn’t have much to say but taught me how to fish with a spear. I became fairly proficient at fishing and, by contributing to the food supply, was able to gain the trust of the community. Once I adjusted to the routine of island life, it seemed like a good time to start finding answers for all the confused Lost fans.
(to be continued)
How’s that mission going, shrimp?
Inside the DTV Transition Nightmare, Part 2 July 20, 2008
Posted by tvcrawlspace in : DTV, General , 2comments
Fight the Future!
I’m sure you all know about the Digital TV transition at this point, and you’re probably sick of all the public service announcements about it. “Who cares?”, you think, “I’ve got a nice flat screen with satellite TV service, so I’m good to go.” But there’s one very important reason why you should care about this issue, namely, that it affects me personally. That’s right. Here in the crawlspace I watch exclusively over-the-air programming on my old analog 22″ Panasonic. Don’t laugh. Up until now, it has served me just fine. I never felt the need to get cable. What’s so great about cable anyway? It’s mostly just sports, shopping channels, some violence and T&A on HBO, and lots and lots of reruns. (There’s only two sports games I bother to watch: the World Series, and the Auburn vs. Alabama game, which we are required by law to watch in the state of Alabama.) So why pay for that stuff when the best programs are available for free on network television?
Now they’re telling me that after February of 2009 I’ll be staring at nothing but static like that little girl in Poltergeist. This has huge connotations for the future of my TV blog. I try hard not to be paranoid, but it almost seems as if congress is thumbing its nose at me. After all, there’s a lot of big business interests who seem poised to benefit from this process: cable and satellite TV providers, electronics retailers, TV manufacturers, and so forth. “So what?”, you say, “Just get the damn converter box.”
Well, I did, and that’s where the situation got complicated. I went to the DTV Answers website several months ago and dutifully ordered my 40-dollar-off coupon. I received the coupon, which looks like a red credit card, in the mail after a few weeks. I took it to my local Radio Shack and asked if they had any converter boxes. They were out, but the clerk said they would have more in within a couple of days. So I went back three days later and got the converter box. The coupon covered most of the cost. I was feeling upbeat about my prospects. I would get through the DTV transition with my individuality intact; I would defeat the Orwellian designs of the military-industrial complex and continue to receive free television, only now I would also get a clear digital picture. What’s not to like? But as anyone over the age of 4 might have predicted, there was a catch.
(To be continued)
PBS lightens up with As the Wrench Turns July 14, 2008
Posted by tvcrawlspace in : 30 Rock, As the Wrench Turns, PBS, Reviews , add a comment 
If you’re like me, you have listened to Car Talk on NPR (National Public Radio) for years now and learned very little about cars in the process. Continuing their long tradition of putting entertainment ahead of useful information, Car Talk hosts Tom and Ray Magliozzi unveiled their new animated show on PBS last week, called As the Wrench Turns. The show is not, as I had at first assumed, merely a cartoon version of the Car Talk radio show. It’s actually a cartoon sitcom about what goes on behind the scenes at their radio show. I found the two debut episodes to be highly entertaining (PBS shows two episodes back to back on Wednesday nights). Stylistically it borrows a lot from network primetime cartoons such as The Simpsons and Family Guy, with rapid fire humor and satirical jabs at society and culture. The lighthearted spirit of the NPR radio show is faithfully reproduced on As the Wrench Turns, possibly due in part to the fact that Car Talk’s long time producer Doug Berman is also Wrench’s head writer.
The characters of the show include Click and Clack, which are voiced by their real life counterparts, Tom and Ray, along with the staff of their fictitious headquarters, long known to fans of the radio show as Car Talk Plaza. In addition to their radio show, C&C also run an on-premises auto repair shop. The first episode, “Campaign”, features Click and Clack plotting to run jointly for the office of U.S. president in order to supplement their failing NPR fund drive with campaign donations. They acquire the services of a political consultant named Jimmy, who bears a striking resemblance to James Carville. In spite of his expertise, they repeatedly botch all their campaign speeches, and end up getting zero votes on election night. Jimmy comes through with the required five million dollars for the fund drive at the last minute, donated by special interest groups in exchange for C&C’s promise to stay out of politics. In terms of pushing the boundaries of political correctness, the second episode, “Outsourcing”, gives Family Guy a run for its money. In this episode, the Bostonian brothers endeavor to make their lives easier by outsourcing their radio program to India. They discover that established radio shows such as Rush Limbaugh, Prairie Home Companion, and Howard Stern have all been outsourced, and utilize India-based sound alike radio hosts. The final scene is truly distasteful but hilarious, and involves the effects of Indian water on the human digestive system.
As the Wrench Turns is probably not as funny as The Simpsons was in its 90’s heyday, but it’s infinitely funnier than 30 Rock, and proves that making a show about a show is not necessarily an exercise in futility. It is a welcome addition to PBS’s pantheon of greatness, and adds a much needed dose of mid-brow irreverence to the more serious programming such as Frontline, Nova, and Washington Week. I’m hoping this show lasts longer than the list of production credits on Car Talk.
Inside the DTV Transition Nightmare, Part 1 July 9, 2008
Posted by tvcrawlspace in : DTV, General, Holiday Posts, Satire , add a comment
It was a dark and stormy Christmas Eve in Washington D.C. The senate had postponed their holiday vacation to deal with a matter that weighted heavy on the heart of the nation. A teary eyed conservative senator stood before the chamber and proclaimed, “On behalf of my fellow Republicans I want to apologize. We hadn’t realized the magnitude of this problem. So many people out there are suffering…..really suffering…..” Unable to continue, he pulled out his handkerchief and dabbed his eyes. But his display of emotion didn’t seem so strange that night. There were few dry eyes on either side of the aisle. The majority leader spoke next. “I’m inspired by what I have seen here tonight. Inspired that we can set aside our partisan differences and do what’s right for the American people. There are many problems facing our country in this troubling age: a shrinking middle class, skyrocketing fuel prices, the loss of high-paying jobs, spiraling healthcare costs, disabled veterans who can’t pay their bills, climate change, the threat of nuclear and biological attacks, and the list goes on. But these problems pale in comparison to the heartbreak that is endured every day by millions of helpless Americans. For too many years they have suffered in the shadows, afraid to speak up, not wanting to burden those of us who enjoy a clear digital picture on our televisions. While we relax in comfort they struggle with their rabbit ear antennas, trying in vain to improve their reception of Everybody Loves Raymond, Scrubs, and other shows we take for granted. Some of them can barely pick up the CW. It’s a national disgrace, I tell you. Tonight we have shown these brave Americans that they haven’t been forgotten this holiday season!” After a 10 minute standing ovation, the cheering senators crowded around the speaker and he proceeded to body-surf out of the chamber. Joyful chants echoed around the capital building: “DTV for all! DTV for all!”
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